Comic Fodder

Drunken Dave's 17 Ways to Fix Comics

Hi Kids, it's your favorite drunk, Uncle Dave. Sorry about the short cop out reviews last week. To make up for it, here's a new column and tomorrow my new reviews for this week’s releases.

Forgive me?

Good, now come sit on Uncle Dave's lap...

I lurk on many message boards. One thing I come across is people complaining about what's wrong with comics. Luckily (or unluckily), Dave has his ways to fix the Comics industry.

1. Dan Didio and Joe Quesada should swap jobs every 4 years.

2. One random message boarder should be chosen to defend their criticisms of creators, to a creator's face at a con, in a panel room filled with swimsuit models. I'd love it! Imagine if the 40-year-old virgins on the message board that rhymes with "Frohn Gryne Jobotics” actually had to face Joe Quesada and tell him why he's ruining comics? In front of front a room of attractive women!Do you think the bitter fan boys on Zewsarama would trash-talk to Bendis about why Spider-man isn't allowed on the Avengers if a bunch of Maxim girls were there? Or would they just revert to their non-message board awkward loser-ness?

3. Marvel comics should come out with an imprint that features top notch talent telling stories about a still-in-high-school, secret-identity-still-secret, unmarried, Spider-man, along with publishing new stories that continue to change and reinvent the status quo, that way everyone's happy. Wait... what’s that you say? They already do that? Ultimate what now?

4. Okay, we really need to condense and streamline all these different comic book awards if we want them to mean something. I mean, with movies we know the Oscars are the crème de la crème. In comics? We have the Harvey’s, the Wizard Fan Awards, the Eisner’s, I think there's a Kirby...which one should we care about!?

5. Dan Slott really needs to be writing Amazing Spider-man.

6. Speaking of the Amazing Spider-man, the only title font the Amazing Spider-man should have is the classic, fun looking, drop-shadowed, rectangular lettered font (with the webs in it). No more of the angry looking ones, or anything else. It's called the Amazing Spider-man it should look fun and amazing not angry and unimpressive.

7. If a creator takes over an ongoing series at Marvel or DC, they should be required, by contract, to read all the "Essential" or "Archives" of that character.

8. Can we establish what the Hulk's IQ and level of rage is and stick with it for a couple of years please?

9. We know Batman doesn't kill. But why doesn't Batman sometimes kill? We know why Superman doesn't. Why doesn't Batman? Hear me out here: Superman once, to save the world, killed a bunch of Krytonians and as a result, won't kill anymore. Batman? I understand why he hates guns. But why hasn't he killed the Joker yet? "Because Batman doesn't kill" isn't an answer. Why doesn't he? I'm not saying he should or shouldn't, I'm just asking someone to tell me why.

10. Take the Ulitmates/Sleeper approach to ongoing series with seasons and use it for more comics. I think if we had different teams of creators coming on to launch seasons, like with TV, we'd cancel less ongoing series’. This should happen for characters that have had multiple series’. I'm talking to you: Namor, Thor, Hulk, Creeper, and Doom Patrol.

11. Anyone who's a cover artist should have to do interiors for a series once every 5 years. I'm not saying everyone had to be John Romita Jr, just something like 6 issues.

12. Every comic that has a cover artist should say so on the cover. Written by whoever. Art by so and so, Inked by that person, cover by him. This will decrease the frustration of opening an awesome looking comic cover and seeing someone crappy draws it.

13. More Crossovers.

14. The break-in system to comics sucks. It's luck, and who you know. Instead, there should be a draft. Like in sports. How awesome would that be? Check into CBR to see that the next Brian Hitch got drafted to DC! It would be awesome. Then, if a contract is too long, they can do trades, and, of course free agency. "Oh Marvel just traded Alex Maleev to DC to draw Batman for Ethan Van Sciver!" Leading into the draft, small publishers that have to close should be bought by the Big 2 and used as a farm league (kinda like Crossgen).

15. Speaking of this, we (the fans) should know about the exclusive creator's contracts. I wanna know, so I can compare, How much do the Kubert’s get per page? How much did Morrison get when he defected to DC? I know this is the root of all that is wrong with sports, but it's fun. How many glass boots filled with the no longer made tan M&M's does Robert Kirkman have stipulated that he needs in his hotel room when at cons?

16. Less crossovers.

17. Forget these DC vs Marvel softball games. If I wanted to watch out of shape nerds try to play sports, I'd watch the Atlanta Braves (zing!). Let's settle feuds with the logical: Games of Pictionary at conventions. I want Frank Quitely drawing a sale boat while Barry Kitson tries to guess, pitted against John Cassaday drawing ducks for Salvatore Larocca. You want to see it too, you just don't know it yet.

Ok, so there are my ideas. I know most of them are insane, but I also know most of them are AWESOME…and that’s how I roll. CRAZY-AWESOME!