Comic Fodder

Top Ten Unmanliest Superheroes -- A Rebuttal

Here is the original article from BamKapow.com


Now...a rebuttal.

10. BATMAN - In the above article the writer defends his choice of naming Batman as "unmanly" by focusing in on his utility belt which the writer likens to a fanny pack. He also focuses on his theory that Batman is only Batman 70% of the time and Bruce Wayne the other 30%. I take umbrage with both of these statements. First of all, Batman wear the utility belt which has tiny pockets all along the length of the belt, much more like a police officer's belt than a fanny pack. Second, Batman is Batman all of the time. If someone tries to mug Bruce Wayne in an alley you better believe that mugger is in for the beating of a lifetime. Batman has stayed up for days fighting crime, taking beatings and never complains or tires. He has stood nose to nose with Superman, looked him in the eye and refused to back down from a fight with the Man of Steel. How this makes him unmanly is beyond me. Batman will kick everyone's ass and take all the names and chew all the gum and then go home and bang some supermodels as Bruce Wayne in his mansion.

9. IRON FIST - Poor Danny Rand. While I can't defend the authors comments about his gay yellow booties I can defend his accusations that Iron Fist was Luke Cage's "bitch" while they were "Heroes for Hire" together. Rand and Cage are friends, close friends, who open a business together to capitalize on their super-heroic abilities. Even that isn't why Iron Fist is manly enough to not be called unmanly, the real reason lies in his title. At age 16 Danny Rand battled a dragon (who had never been defeated), traveled through a cave and then plunged his fist into the creatures molten heart to emerge with the Iron Fist power. That's fucking hardcore. Dude fought a dragon. A DRAGON!

8. THOR - This addition to the list truly stretches the authors credibility in spotting unmanliness. The author says that due to his penitent for wedding magazines and his tendency to condition his hair makes him a shoe-in for a list of unmanly superheroes. What the author fails to mention is the fact that Thor is a Norse God. A GOD. He's a freaking God with a giant hammer and a taste for violence.

7. SHIPWRECK - First off this guy isn't a superhero he's a Naval Officer. In my opinion that disqualifies him from this list right away however for the sake of a column I'll humor the author of the original list and defend my favorite Joe. Shipwreck, not the best-dressed Joe, is kick-ass. He's got a parrot and he was always very angry. He's fought Dreadknots, Cobra and pirates. Let's not forget the super-cool two-part episode "There is No Place Like Springfield" the Shipwreck-centric Joe episode that is one giant mind fuck caused by Cobra. Shipwreck is all man baby. ALL MAN!

6. ARCHANGEL - As Angel he was pretty unmanly but as Archangel he's fucking hardcore! He's got metal wings at shoot out razors. He's all blue and wicked looking. He was created by Apocalypse for Heaven's sake.

5. BRUCE BANNER - It's not that Bruce is unmanly he's just not as manly as his alter ego, The Hulk. He does hook up with Betty Ross and she's smoking hot. He also risked his life to save his friend (thus turning him into the Hulk), which is a pretty manly thing to do.

4. REED RICHARDS - He can stretch any part of his body, is the smartest man in the world and sleeps with Sue Storm. Also...he can stretch ANY part of his body. ANY PART.... given the right body part and he's more man than any one on this list or reading this column.

3. MICHELANGELO - He's a turtle not a man. Doesn't count.

2. BUMBLEBEE - On this entry and the next one the author of the original piece and I agree. Bumblebee sucks. He's yellow, whiny and most importantly a VW bug. VW Bug's are the gayest of all VW vehicles.

1. AQUAMAN - Although being King of the Sea should be a manly title somehow Arthur Curry manages to queer it up a bit, what with his tight green spandex and his even tighter, bright orange top. His power is lame, he talks to fish...big fucking deal...so did the Little Mermaid.

Hey look at that...my rebuttal was going strong until those last two entries. It was a struggle to defend the manliness of some of these clowns and downright impossible to defend the VW Bug and the not-so-little-mermaid.

Thanks to Michael McDaniel and the site that hosted his article for giving me Fodder to Blogger about.

As always comments are welcome and expected.

Excellent rebuttal. Especially your defence of Batman and Thor. Their inclusion in the original list is inexcusable. And I am not just saying that because Batman is my favorite superhero nor because I made a Thor costume for Halloween last year.

That being said, Bruce Banner is a bit of a sissy. Whenever he turns back from the Hulk he is left barefoot, shirtless, and wearing capris. Very hard to be manly in capris.

-- Posted by: Matt at August 25, 2006 12:32 AM

I looked forward to great rebuttal and wasn't at all disappointed. As always you have a way of telling the truth with wisdom, conviction,purpose and of course a touch of humor. Excellent!!!

-- Posted by: Cindee at August 26, 2006 9:03 PM

I think Batman is one of the greatest heroes ever! I have been hooked on the comic since a small child and find myself defending him as though he were real especially when comparisons to Daredevil,Wolverine and Spiderman are made. The only drawback I have is that they never show a deversified use of his weaponry. I mean batarangs are fine but with a utility belt that advanced how about some more weapons instaed of seeing him pick up a 2x4 in a warehouse when backed in a corner?

-- Posted by: T'challa at October 30, 2006 2:10 PM

I just read the above, so I didn't bother to read the original article. It sounds dumb. The author is either a gay in denial or so homophobic he can't...
anyway, to use the word "gay" refers to men (or women) that prefer same sex XXX. Gay is not a style or something. Wearing spandex is DEFINATLY not a gay thing. GAY men usually run from spandex for some reason (the majority of them), contrary to what straight men would think should be. The only thing I can figure is that gay men want to look good, not sexy. Its usually the straight menn that want to look sexy (for the ladies). So, in reality, spandex is an ultra-straight man's domain, not gay. Look for tight fitting Polo shirts not spandex if you want a gay man.

-- Posted by: Shon L at November 17, 2006 10:52 AM

How can you say MICHELANGELO doesn't count as being unmanly because he's a turtle then go on to say Bumblebee does count when he's a robot. It's a nice Rebuttal but Bumblebee doesn't add up he isn't a man so he can't be on this list he's a fighting transforming alien robot from space that's one of the bravest autobots out there. I mean he risks his life by battling Megatron (who is about 2 times his size twice as strong) to save his comrades then gets put on the unmanly list twice. Please right this wrong Bumblebee is not unmanly for being a VW Bug during his era they were considered cool now his a Camaro way manlier.

-- Posted by: Bumblebee is Manly at March 15, 2008 9:42 PM

greater, and sometimes of smaller value. He purchases them sometimes with a christian romantic myspace layouts renders people of character and fortune averse to enter into it.

-- Posted by: Heather at March 30, 2008 4:02 AM

First, the improvement of the dexterity of the workmen, necessarily black and white vintage myspace layouts Portugal, to lower somewhat the value of the precious metals in fvwrjutois

-- Posted by: Wendy at March 30, 2008 7:01 AM

First, the improvement of the dexterity of the workmen, necessarily black and white vintage myspace layouts Portugal, to lower somewhat the value of the precious metals in fvwrjutois

-- Posted by: Wendy at March 30, 2008 7:01 AM