by Mac Slocum, senior editor
The advent of DVDs has given movie buffs access to hours of deleted
scenes, trailers, commentary and other fantastic "extra" material. But
within these goodies lie shockingly useless additions -- little things
that hold no relevance, yet they warrant inclusion on a major DVD
release.
My free time has been ample lately, so I've had the opportunity to
ponder these inane bonus nuggets. I've also had the opportunity to
unearth the worst of these extras from my own DVD collection. Herein
lie the half-assed results.
Disclaimer: Some of the following entries are unique in
their uselessness, but many represent DVD bonus oddities that can be
found on a slew of discs. Their inclusion serves as a beacon of
digital incompetence for thousands of other titles.
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The Abyss
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Oh yes, the menu system is very fancy
(you access different elements of the DVD by weaving your way through
an animated version of the movie's underwater oil rig), but the
"Personnel Files" segment is nothing more than the stars'
filmographies. Nearly every morsel of this information is available
through the Internet
Movie Database. So why is it here? Probably because they needed
some actual content to justify those fancy shmancy animated
menus. Now, I realize a lot of DVDs have variations on this same
theme ("Talent Bios," "Filmmakers," "Gratuitous Credits that Make
Creative Types Feel Good," etc.), but "The Abyss" is an egregious
offender because the bios go on and on and on.
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Aliens
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The DVD's "Photo Gallery" has the
right idea, but the execution blows. This 20th Anniversary edition of
James Cameron's blast-em-all-to-hell sequel features behind the scenes
shots and storyboard stills, but there's little to no context for
these pictures. They're left hanging, which is a shame, because an
audio commentary -- or even brief text descriptions -- would have made
the Photo Gallery pretty tootin' sweet.
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Apollo 13
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Ever try reading a whole lot of text on a TV screen? It's
not fun. Yet, the producers of the "Apollo 13" DVD thought people
would enjoy screens and screens of "Production Notes." Wrong.
Fortunately, the DVD makes up for this error with a nice "Making Of"
featurette that covers a lot of the same information.
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Bad Boys
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The movie is a bombastic piece of guilty-pleasure crap,
but I see no need for the inclusion of special "Music Videos"
featuring artists on the soundtrack. If I want the soundtrack, I'll
buy it. If I want to see music videos, I'll ... wait, I'm not 16, why
would I want to see videos? Note: I waive my disdain for included
videos when the videos have direct relevance to the film. Examples:
"Spinal Tap," "The Wedding Singer," "School of Rock," "Beaches" (just
seeing if you're awake).
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Bull Durham
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The DVD includes something called a "Sports Wrap." It's
not a documentary. It's not a trailer. It seems to be an old TV
news report mixing "Bull Durham" clips and anecdotes about minor
league baseball, but there's nothing that definitively confirms this
conclusion. What is this friggin' thing?
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Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon
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As far as I'm concerned, "Link to
Website" does not qualify as a feature.
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Elf
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The "Games" on the bonus DVD are the second most worthless
extras I've seen (stay tuned for Worthless Extra No. 1). Basically,
you use your DVD remote to engage in a series of contests (slide down
a slippery slope, through snowballs, etc). Pretty dull, right? It
gets worse. The DVD doesn't respond well to the button commands, so
there's a clunky delay.
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A Fish Called Wanda
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The back of the DVD touts an "8-page booklet
featuring trivia, production notes and a revealing look at the making
of the film." All lovely features, but why are they in the
brochure? I didn't buy a book!
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Gladiator
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This two-disc set has a lot going for it (deleted scenes,
excellent documentaries, etc.) but the inclusion of child star Spencer
Treat Clark's "My Gladiator Journal" is, by far, the Worst Extra Ever.
Why? Two reasons:
- As noted in the "Apollo 13" entry, reading text on a TV screen
isn't fun.
- Why should I care what Spencer Treat Clark thinks? No offense to
Clark -- I'm sure he's an affable kid with a lot of talent -- but I
bought the "Gladiator" DVD for the film, not for the ramblings of a
pre-teen.
However, there is something to be said for this journal's
unintentional comedy. Consider this entry from March 19, 1999:
"Anyway, we were early for our flight so we went to the Virgin
Atlantic lounge, which is the Japan Airlines lounge until they finish
renovating the Virgin lounge ... Then in came a beautiful girl with
long dark hair about my age, with a full entourage. She was going to
London too, and sat in the row to the left of me. She is a (opera?)
singer, who was performing in Vegas and doing TV interviews. Her name
was Charlotte or something. All the British flight attendants knew who
she was. All I know was that she was pretty ..."
Poor Spencer. Trapped in an airport lounge with Charlotte Church.
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Out of Sight
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There is no reason why, if I buy a DVD, I should have
to sit through trailers to other movies or useless studio montages. I
can see the thinking on rental copies, but if a person goes the
extra mile to add a DVD to their collection, they should get the
privilege of avoiding unnecessary marketing hoo-ha. If studios think
it's cost prohibitive to press separate rental and collector versions,
then do the right thing and give me the option of JUMPING TO THE MENU.
Do not make me fast forward or, even worse, give me one of
those "operation currently prohibited by disc" messages if I try to
blow past a goddamn trailer for a goddamn movie I don't care about.
Thank you.
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Rounders
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Rounders -- This disc includes my all-time Biggest DVD Pet Peeve*:
"Additional Titles." The producers of the DVD have assumed that
because I've purchased a movie put out by a particular studio (in this
case, Miramax) I might also be very interested in other films
put out by that exact same studio. For example, the "Additional
Titles" included on the "Rounders" disc are: "Good Will Hunting,"
"Swingers," "Sling Blade," and ... wait for it ... "Supercop."
* In my mind, Pet Peeve is a different category than Worst Extra Ever.
Now you know.
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DVD Extras I Actually Like
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One thing I can't stand is when critics tear the crap out of something
without offering any examples of how it could be better. With that in
mind, here's a list of common DVD features that I do enjoy:
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