Before we begin, I'd like to offer those of you with short attention spans a chance to skip this shockingly well-written column and move on to the related interactive toy we've created: Click here to see a list of actors who will never be on "Inside the Actor's Studio".
Now that we've got the Ritalin-poppers out of the way, let's continue.
You've probably spent hundreds -- perhaps thousands -- of wasted hours scanning through cable television stations. Sure, you'll occasionally stumble upon a diamond in the rough; the random "Magnum" episode or a Weather Channel special on tornados, maybe even that Leif Garrett "Behind the Music." Except for occasional lapses in the TV-boredom continuum, your cable travels are a mindless journey into despair.
But a few years ago something remarkable happened. Bravo started airing a quirky, alluring show titled "Inside the Actor's Studio." Here was a program that could offer you an hour (sometimes more!) of pure entertainment. You could watch as the program's host, James Lipton, wrapped his overly-educated brain around french phrases. You could witness acting students embarrass themselves in front of their idols. You could examine the body language of some of today's most popular actors as they squirmed to answer probing questions like "Mr. De Niro, what were you thinking when you stuck your thumb in Juliette Lewis' mouth in 'Cape Fear'?"
Who can forget the now-classic Kevin Spacey interview that featured 15 minutes of Spacey impersonating Jack Lemmon, Al Pacino and Marlon Brando? Everyone certainly remembers where they were when James Lipton drooled over Sharon Stone, announcing that he would have gladly accompanied the actress to her high school prom. And who out there wouldn't want to have James Lipton ask you the ten questions that close every episode of "Inside the Actor's Studio"? I know I would, and that's why I'm going to share the following fictional transcript:
Lipton: What is your favorite word?
Mac: James, my favorite word is "honor." Or "splooge." Say it with me James... splooooge
Lipton: Splooooge
Mac: Nice, isn't it?
Lipton: I've known nothing finer. Fantastic choice.
Mac: Thank you.
Lipton: Mac, what is your least favorite word?
Mac: Splooge.
Lipton: Wonderful. What turns you on?
Mac: Wit. Intelligence. ... Cameron Diaz.
Lipton: (politely laughing) You're not alone in that camp my friend! (composing himself) What turns you off?
Mac: Ed McMahon and seafood. Not necessarily in that order.
Lipton: What is the sound or noise that you love?
Mac: The eruption of the crowd after the Red Sox win a game.
Lipton: Interesting choice. What sound or noise do you hate?
Mac: The eruption of the crowd after the Yankees win a game.
Lipton: (laughing heartily) Be careful! We're in New York.
Mac: No shit, I hate this town.
Lipton: (laughing still) Such a card! Ahem, now to our most popular question, what is your favorite curse word?
Mac: The same as everyone else, James: Motherfucker ... but it's exponentially better if Sam Jackson says it.
Lipton: Motherfucker indeed! What profession other than yours would you like to attempt?
Mac: I'd love to be a musician. Or the host of "Inside the Actor's Studio."
Lipton: J'ai un grand chien!
Mac: What?
Lipton: It's French for "wonderful."
Mac: No it's not. You said "I have a big dog."
Lipton: I did?
Mac: Yes. Yes you did.
Lipton: Oh.
Mac: You don't know French, do you James?
Lipton: Afraid not.
Mac: No matter. What's the next question?
Lipton: Indeed! What profession would you not like to participate in?
Mac: Proctologist. There aren't enough latex gloves in the world for that kind of work.
Lipton: Finally, if Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?
Mac: "Relax. Kenny G isn't here."
Lipton: Oh how lovely! Mac, I think I speak for myself and the 500 students assembled here when I say it's been an enlightening, stimulating evening that none of us will soon forget. Thank you Mac.
Mac: No James, thank YOU.
Before I receive letters telling me how stupid this transcript is, you can rest assured that I already know. I publish it here as a simple attempt to express my love for "Inside the Actor's Studio" through a creative endeavor. It's my velvet Elvis. It's my soap on a rope. Let it be.
Anyway, to celebrate the quirkiness of a show you can't stop watching, Filmfodder is proud to present an "interactive" experience of exceptionally non-epic proportions. Click below to view the names of actors who will never -- EVER -- grace the stage of "Inside the Actor's Studio."
Take me to the studio NOW!
Editor's Note: If you know an actor who deserves to be included in this group, please send the name to me. One day I'll get around to adding it and you'll be able to boast to friends, relatives, business associates and family pets.
