Just about everyone over here, even the British themselves, laments the
antiquated licensing laws obliging pubs to close at an hour when the
party minded are just gearing up to leave the house, with the
dreaded last-call bell ringing mercilessly and inevitably at 10:40 p.m. each
night and patrons hastening to finish those pints in the graciously allotted
20 minutes until closing.
Fair do's though, as most people here seem to drink like fish to get a head
start and few can, in fact, stay vertical much past that hour. I had no
idea, however, that British film classification and censorship laws leave
equally much to be desired, until the following landed in my inbox.
Amid the barrage of spam currently swamping the world at large was a press
release for "The Good Old Naughty Days," an explicit gem of a film
that has received the rarely used and highly controversial R18 rating from
the British Board of Film Classification.
A little known certificate, as the release explains, R18 restricts the
showing of a film to licensed sex cinemas only, most of which have disappeared since the advent of the video. London's The
Other Cinema has had to obtain a special temporary sex-cinema license for the
duration of the film's run.
Here's why "The Good Old Naughty Days" has incurred the BBFC's draconian wrath:
If parents having sex is an idea that may leave you traumatized and
afflicted with performance anxiety at crucial moments, you might want to try
on the shenanigans of your (well, someone's) great-grandparents for size
instead. Because back in the "Good Old Naughty Days," as this hugely
entertaining collection of French Blue movies from the silent era
illustrates, uninhibited and guilt-free sex in front of the
camera was -- quite literally -- all in an afternoon's work.
Although refreshingly naive compared to today's X-rated movies, the 12
shorts, filmed between 1905 and 1930, are certainly hardcore, graphic in
detail and feature very funny and wildly inventive couplings. From the
rather tame The Hairdresser to the more forthright Abott Bitt at the Convent
and the outrageous and hilarious Homework, featuring three nuns, a gardener
and, um, a dog, it appears porn dates all the way back to the beginnings of
film, with an underground production system established early on to satisfy
the needs of private collectors.
The "Good Old Naughty Days" collection, a mere excerpt from the 300 films discovered in the attic
of "a very respectable family," has been restored by the Archives of the
Centre National de la Cinématographie and was originally shown in upscale
brothels throughout Europe for the educational benefit of young men brought
along by their uncles after Sunday mass.
Released to critical acclaim and, I should think, mounting hilarity, in
commercial cinemas throughout Europe and the States, UK distributor Tartan
Films has faced considerable difficulties in bringing "The Good Old Naughty
Days," its first ever R18 rating, to the British masses. The ludicrous
rating comes with a standard package of restrictions that, were I a
cynically minded person, I would think are designed solely to prevent any
chance of commercial viability for the film.
The public are not allowed to see any advertisements for the film, nor are
they allowed to know who has directed it or stars in it (redundant in this
case, as both filmmakers and actors preferred to remain anonymous, though it
is rumour ed that a few big names in French cinema let their imagination run
wild from time to time). The public may not even look at a poster containing
information about the film until after they have bought a ticket.
But even if you are among the lucky and determined souls who have discovered
where it's playing and what it's about, you still have to overcome the final
hurdle. As you won't be allowed to get your tickets via phone or Internet,
you will have to show up at the cinema, join their sex club -- more on this,
and the film, at www.thegoodoldnaughtydays.com -- and then you will, finally,
be allowed to see what the fuss is all about -- 24 hours later.
Says Hamish McAlpine, owner of Tartan Films: "In a throwback to the trial of
'Lady Chatterley's Lover' in the Britain of the 1950s, it has been decided
that a 99-year-old silent film poses such a threat to the well
being of British people that it cannot be seen by normal people, in normal
cinemas, under normal circumstances. It is really time that Britain moves
not into the 20th Century, but the 21st and brings itself in line with the
rest of the world with regard to classification and censorship. British
people are just as adult as people in America, France, Spain, Italy and the
rest of the world and should be treated as such."
Right he is, but I dare say there is a good chance all the to-do will work in
the film's favor. The allure of controversy and the inevitable draw of the
forbidden just may have audiences queuing around the block (another favorite
British pastime, rain or shine). So I better get a move on and if I'm lucky,
after I get my very own sex club card, I'll make it to the pub across the
street before last call.
