Gents, it's time to reconvene our little trio for the inaugural Torpedo Awards. A Torpedo Award shall go to an actor who's performance is so dreadful, so appallingly bad that it damages an otherwise sturdy ship. We're talking universally bad here. Here's my list of five nominees:

1. Gretchen Mol, "Rounders" -- Sorry, boys, I had to grab this one first. This is the classic Torpedo right here. "Rounders" is a sweet flick: top-notch acting from Matt Damon and Edward Norton, interesting characters, good scenery, plenty of suspense. But Gretchen Mol, who was crowned the next "It Girl" when this movie came out, gives such a horrendous performance as Damon's girlfriend that she nearly ruined the movie. Good thing her role was so small. I was cheering like I was at Fenway Park when Mike McD comes home that night with Worm and finds that Mol's character has moved out. Seriously, I was doing The Wave I was so happy. Utterly wretched acting, devoid of energy and sincerity. And to think the producers put her on the movie poster -- like she could even carry Norton and Damon's luggage.

2. John Malkovich, "Rounders" -- I hate picking two performances in the same movie, but I had to. Malkovich, playing perhaps the most ill-conceived villain ever, is a laughing stock as "Teddy KGB." As a Russian gangster, Malkovich is so annoying I can barely take him seriously. His butchered Russian accent is one of the worst in the history of film. His acting is so over the top and so deliberate he makes William Shatner look like Tobey "Sleepy" Maguire. Outrageously excessive acting that's another blemish for "Rounders."

3. Sofia Coppola, "The Godfather III" -- Wooden acting doesn't describe Coppola's performance in this movie. I swear, the producers must have used a defibrillator to extract life out of Coppola. Now, it's not all her fault. Dad, a.k.a. Francis Ford Coppola, should have known his untested amateur actress daughter was not ready for this and found a replacement. Dad also takes a hit for hiring George Hamilton (!) to replace Robert Duvall as the Corleone family lawyer, another dreadful move. Still, how anybody can act so stoic, so barren of any emotion is beyond me. Coppola's death scene, which should have been the absolute top of the arc for this classic trilogy, is just plain laughable.

4. Gary Oldman, "Hannibal" -- What happened to this guy? He was so good in early films like "Criminal Law" and "State of Grace." After "Lost in Space" it was all down hill. Here, playing one of Hannibal Lecter's victims, Oldman is simply ridiculous. I read "Hannibal" before I saw the movie and yes, the book is as terrible as you've heard. But the one saving grace was Mason Verger, Oldman's character. A hideously disfigured and ruthless millionaire, Verger is flat-out creepy in the book. On film, however, Oldman is completely off the mark. Sure, the makeup did the job and made him look disgusting, but Oldman's acting was better suited for an episode of "Mr. Show." He elicits laughter instead of chills. In short, he kills every scene he's in.

5. Denise Richards, "The World is Not Enough" -- You might question a Bond girl being on this list, but here's the reason: In recent years, Famke Janssen, Michelle Yeoh and Sophie Marceau have given us some excellent Bond girls. Richards, despite her beauty and amazing sex appeal, almost reverses that trend and nearly sinks the franchise as Dr. Christmas Jones, a nuclear scientist. Huh? Totally unbelievable even for a Bond film. Plus, she has no chemistry with Pierce Brosnan's Bond and she speaks her lines as if reading from billboards. Gut-wrenchingly bad, even for a Bond film. Richards should stick to films like "Wild Things."

I compile this list under protest because Rob took the two most obvious Torpedoes of the '90s from "Rounders" (Gretchen Mol and John Malkovich). I will proceed, with an asterisk.

Preface: The pattern that developed from Rob's list is that the roles MUST be torpedoed by the actors themselves. That is to say: the role cannot be under written. This reason, and the fact that Hollywood's biggest continuing problem of the "big three" (acting, directing, writing) is the screenwriting, is why this list was one of the most difficult to compile for me. I must qualify my list by saying that two of my five I still consider great movies ("The Shining" and "The Insider"). But after copious research, away we go with my top five, in countdown order of Most Damaging...

5. Jack Nicholson, "The Shining" -- Before you get your panties in a wad, Rob, hear me out. I consider "The Shining" the most frightening movie I've ever seen. It's a beautiful masterpiece. Kubrick turned a hack horror novel into a form of art. However, the arc of the story is completely flawed. The moment you see Jack Nicholson's character, you know he's going to try to chop up his entire family. He's fucking nuts from the first time he appears onscreen. "Ya hear that? He saw it...on the...television." If this wasn't some sort of intentional choice on Kubrick's part, you'd think he'd pay a little more attention to his actors. The movie is so quotable, and yet, was Jack miscast? Think of how much more terrifying the story would have been if he is completely normal at the top of the movie. But who the fuck am I? I'm just some stupid white kid. And he's Stanley Kubrick.

4. Diane Venora, "The Insider" -- Her choice in every scene she has is to play it through tears. The resonance of trauma that Jeff Wigand's family had to endure was undermined by her performance. She should be sympathetic, and the words are there for her, but she's annoying. Michael Mann's choice to have her concerned about material things (the house, etc.) isn't shallow, it's realistic. It could still be played for empathy, but it's not by Venora.

3. Martin Short, "Mumford" -- With a role this small, it might be a bit cruel to give him a Torpedo. However, his performance is destructive to the quiet, sweet tone of this sleeper movie. Loren Dean's flashback into darkness is a bit of a downer, but the movie offers a lot of inspiration and hope that is nicely understated. Martin Short offers volume. He's a better-dressed Ed Grimley.

2. Quentin Tarantino, "Pulp Fiction" -- Couldn't leave well enough alone. He's got a soapbox monologue in every movie. This time it's the "dead n***** storage" and coffee monologue. The movie becomes a classic if he's not in it. Instead, it's a really good movie. One of the worst actors to ever appear in a movie they've directed. He should take lessons from M. Night Shyamalan or Vincent Gallo. Even Billy Bob Thornton for God's sake.

1. The entire leading cast of "Bram Stoker's Dracula" -- Gary Oldman as Prince Vlad Dracula, Winona Ryder as Mina Murray, Anthony Hopkins as Prof. Van Helsing, Keanu Reeves as Jonathan Harker. A visually stunning waste of time. Coppola was so excited that someone allowed him to make another movie that he forgot to direct the actors. Oh wait, two of the four listed here can't act (Ryder and Reeves), so it's not entirely his fault. And the other two are so over the top it's hard to find the actual performances/humans underneath all the chewed scenery. Watch the first five minutes, then, for the love of God, turn it off. As a side note, this began Anthony Hopkins' "Sleepwalking Through Roles" era, and also Gary Oldman's "I'm Just Insane From Now On" stage.

Before I give my own list, one side note on Rob's. Though I can wholeheartedly support the choice of Gretchen Mol (not just in "Rounders," but anything) and Denise Richards (not just in "The World is Not Enough," but in anything), I have to say, the man who started the entire Torpedo Award tradition is unfairly lambasted, I think. Yes, Malkovich is off his nut in "Rounders," but it's a great ride and it's fascinating to watch an actor of his caliber completely lose his mind in a role.

All right, enough bitching. Here it goes:

1. Ray Allen, "He Got Game" -- Spike Lee is a great filmmaker (sometimes) and Denzel Washington gives one of his most memorable, brilliant performances in this movie, but Ray Allen is annoying and appallingly bad. A blight on cinema in this or any year. I read that Spike thought it would be easier to train a good basketball player to act, than it would be to train an actor to be a good baller. Looks like you dropped the ball on that one, Spike.

2. Jeremy London, "Mallrats" -- Granted, Kevin Smith is not a great director, so maybe this performance can be blamed on him. But I've got to say, the man's got a genius eye for casting and writes the shit out of his dialogue. Unfortunately, the nuances of Smith's language are just too much for this guy to handle. London, the supposed lead, is so bad he's eclipsed by Jason Lee's sidekick performance. That's not right.

3. Julianne Moore, "Magnolia" -- Wall-to-wall brilliant casting and acting. The film is one of the closest things to a masterpiece I've ever seen. And then this whiny bitch shows up and ruins every portion of the film that she appears in. After great work as the broken-hearted mother in "Boogie Nights," Moore pisses away all credibility by being shrill beyond belief and a blight on this terrific film. Worst moment? The scene where she tells the doctor (or lawyer, I forget) to shut the fuck up. Oh, it's painful and it can't end soon enough.

4. Nicole Kidman, "Moulin Rouge!" -- Yes, there's an exclamation point in the title, I didn't just make that up. Here's the thing. People hate this movie. I see why. It's crazy. I recently watched it for the second time on video and in that first half hour I was thinking to myself, "I liked this the first time around?" But that faded and I realized that I think this is a great movie. Funny, crazy, heartbreaking. Good stuff. Except...for Kidman. She is constantly described as every man's fantasy, she drives every man crazy with passion/desire/etc. Bullshit. Nicole Kidman possesses none of these qualities. I'm not sure who does exactly (Julia Roberts maybe?) but she doesn't have it. The only reason the movie works and the love story is convincing is because of the sheer conviction brought to the table by Ewan McGregor. Kidman may be the Torpedo, but at least McGregor's there to captain this sinking ship and guide it (limpingly) into harbor.

5. Mark Hamill, "Star Wars" -- Where did they ever find this guy? I mean, what, Orson Welles wasn't available? Could you have picked a worse performer to carry this awesome, new spectacle of a movie? And then we've gotta be saddled with this mopey, annoying bastard for two more movies. Thank God they had the good sense to cast around him so well. If it weren't for Han Solo or Princess Leia or Ben Kenobi, nobody would ever give a shit about Luke Skywalker. It pains me to say this, it really does. Because these are perfect movies ("Empire" obviously, above all others), but this guy. I've never liked him. He's supposed to be the one that we as the audience identify with. Little boys should've watched that movie and said, "I want to be like Luke Skywalker." That wide-eyed innocent routine should've reminded us of ourselves. But no. Han Solo shows up and starts shooting people under barroom tables and the choice is obvious. I wanna be like that guy. Thank you, Harrison.