"Bachelor" Party: Looking in on the Latest Train Wreck
by Rachel Cericola
The seventh installment of "The Bachelor" is enough to make any viewer sterile. And if last night's episode didn't make you want to reconsider adding on to the so-called human race, it will at the very least make you run to the sink for a serious scrub-down.
Charlie O'Connell is this year's "prize" -- and I do use that term loosely. You might recognize Charlie from "Dude Where's My Car?," but most likely you just know him as the brother of the fat kid from "Stand By Me." Being the good guy that brother Jerry is, he even appears via videotape in the first episode.
Charlie is likeable enough, when compared to past "Bachelor" participants, but sort of reminds me a bit of that "Seinfeld" episode where Jerry dates the "two-faced" girl (also known as the "Festivus" episode): Sometimes Charlie looks sort of hot and sometimes he looks like a lot of famous guy's brothers -- like the retarded version of his celebrity sibling.
Looks aside, his personality is kind of puzzling. One moment you think he's serious, ready to settle down, and sort of thoughtful. The next minute, he's doing a body shot of off one of his prospects and sucking face with another. It seems this bachelor is more like a playa.
The ladies are best described by the Bachelor himself: "A lot of them are easy on the eyes; a lot of them are not so easy on the ears." He is actually being kind. Sure most of them are cute, but a lot of them look like they applied for the show because the "Girls Gone Wild" auditions were all filled up. The claws are out, and the outfits are very tight. Not that there's anything wrong with that. It's too early to tell who the frontrunner will be, but after the first episode, I can honestly say that my favorite prospects are the ones that didn't get camera time. In other words, the quieter the better.
One girl, Geitan, began showing signs of a brain by walking out on a nightclub situation, claiming that the other girls' trashy ways were just not her cup of tea. This would have been a boon for women everywhere, except that she chose to come back in time for the rose ceremony -- just in time for Charlie to kick her and her "morals" to the curb.
As entertaining as this train wreck may be, it's a bit disheartening that the whole "Bachelor" formula has not been proven quite yet. Is the seventh time a charm? More like fool me once, shame on you, fool me seven times, and maybe I should have my voting rights taken away.
In all honesty, this was my first foray into "The Bachelor" franchise, and I'm pretty sure I don't want to stay on the guestlist. To date, none of these matches made in TV hell have made it to the altar (not counting Trista and Ryan from "The Bachelorette"). And call me old-fashioned, but I don't think guys are really looking for a girl that lap-dances you before a proper introduction, or the one that does the best body shot. It's like a car wreck; I know people just love to look at them, but I always make a point to keep my eyes on the road ahead.
I understand that America loves a good catfight. Isn't that the reality TV formula? That would make this installment of "The Bachelor" the greatest reality show of all time. If you like your love a battlefield, stay tuned. This pimp's up, and the ho's seem more than willing to go down for the count.
Posted by Mac at March 29, 2005 4:53 PM