The Lost Blog

Lost: Smokey's Back Story

Smokey and Eko meet again A tongue-in-cheek look at Smokey's back story. Thanks to CrispySeaplanes for giving me the motivation to do this: thus the blame can be placed with him if you don't like it :>

As Mr. Eko is dying a slow death, Smokey flings him from tree to tree, bashing his head and body unmercifully. Eko did not have any "dharm" gone initiative to fight back. Just before passing to the Great Beyond, Eko, with a DUI ticket crumpled up in his hand and a smirk on his face, whispers to the former wisp, "When we meet in hell, let us drink together as friends." With Eko lying there motionless, Smokey goes on a flaunting rage, screaming to no one in particular, "I am Catwoman ... hear me roar."

In an upbeat mood, Smokey swiftly and nimbly swirls throughout the island, pumping his chest, feeling his Wheaties, doing his "thinng," and singing, "meg" of my heart." Eventually he wears himself out. Prior to evaporating for the night, he goes to the bathroom in his cave. "Crispy Seaplanes" was there, cleverly disguised as a toilet seat and picking up bits of ass. Back outside, Smokey sits down smack dab in the middle of the "JoePike" that leads to the swamp. Smokey fell sound asleep, and Holy hell, if he didn't dream of the Trinity -- the Cem, the Tiffani and the holy "mac." And he dreamt of the swamp (there's that word again). SWAMP! What swamp?

WHOOSH! Flashback to the island 15 years ago when Smokey was a teenager:

We see Smokey as a 15 year old visiting an apparent swamp near the middle of the island. He is hideous to look at -- his face looks like a rock quarry that somebody has dynamited. At the northern edge of the swamp is an enormous tree stump. It is all jagged and pointy and looks as if lightning struck the tree years back. But Smokey sits on it anyway as his flowing body easily adjusts to the "PiecesofArzt." He reaches into his handsome "ransomejackson" knapsack and pulls out some "Shikotees" to munch on. And he waits ... and he waits some more ... and finally, the love of his life emerges from the depths of the water -- the beautiful and luscious "GatorGal" (it seems he wasn't a gay wisp after all). As he does every time he sees GatorGal, Smokey is en rapt with her gorgeous face, long snout and huge pearly white teeth -- and he gets all "Christy"-eyed. He drifts thru the air to the "antepenultimate" bush on the eastern side of the swamp, and it is there that he picks a gorgeous "seesul Rose" (sic) for his beloved GatorGal.

All the other gators in the swamp know something that Smokey does not. Alas, GatorGal has been known to cross-date by going out with crocs. Not only that but she was a real "ButchM" -- gay to the core. Her real name is GayGatorGal and her main squeeze at the moment was the croc, "Kaseygirl." GayGatorGal affectionately calls Kaseygirl her little "bunnylover." Smokey was aghast when he saw the two of them lashing tails together. He got as close to them as he could without being "meg"tected, and overheard GayGatorGal say, "I don't know about you, but I'm famished! What say we scarf down some 'CrispySeaplanes' and some filthy swamp fish, eh bunnylover?" To which Kaseygirl replied, "Oh, you "silly girl" - I'll have '6' of the CrispySeaplanes and '30' of the filthy swamp fish."

WHOOSH! Flash forward to present day on the island:

A single tear wends it way down Smokey's face as he is aroused from a "Deep Cover" sleep by Him. All of the unknowns and the Others of the island(s) were in fear of the almighty one. A few of the little children unknowns and Others thought that Him was Benry, while some of the little ones thought that Him was really a Her -- Juliet. Benry had such a big ego that he could pat himself on the back better than a contortionist. But everyone knew that his bragging was just the patter of little feats. Get into a conversation with Benry and the night has a thousand I's. And Juliet wasn't much better -- her body had gone to her head.

The adult unknowns and Others like "davidrh" and "Vikki" knew otherwise. They knew that Him was neither Benry nor Juliet, and would not divulge his true identity to the little ones. Him takes Smokey to His mansion in the middle of the two islands (let's hear some blogscussion on that!). Once there, Him demanded to know how the adult unknowns and Others knew that Him was really Him. Reluctant at first, Smokey figured "what the hell," (or was it WTF) so he related the little jingle that everyone said to remind them who Him was. It went like this:

We have a leader whom we all love,
And he is affectionately known as Him.
But we know better, yes we know the truth,
For it's none other than Mr. Grimm!

AHA! Tis now we know! There is no more guessing about Jacob, Dharma, Benry, Juliet and the like. The head honcho is Mr. Grimm -- the harsh and forbidding in appearance, Mr.Grimm!!!!! What a revolting development this is! Now that our socks have been rocked off, we kick back in our easy chairs, eager to see what transpires next ... but:

WHOOSH! Flash back to when Smokey was a kid.

We see other wisps of smoke deriding him and find out that Smokey wasn't the brightest funnel in the sky. His willowy friends nicknamed him "The Duf," a name he detested, and said that he was so dumb that he would be "forever_lost." The leader of this suspended particles of soot was none other than "maestr06," who forbade Smokey from playing games with them. Troublemakers Cem and Vikki grabbed Smokey and held him while Cecil Rose and his twin brother, Bernard, stuck a needle in his arm, "vacc"inating him with gases and "PiecesofArzt."

Then we see TheDuf ... er, Smokey, sitting in his bedroom in a cave near the ocean. It seems that Smokey is something of a "wolf" as on the wall is a picture of the famous pin-up girl, "Melissa." Smokey is wearing a headset and listening to music. There is no electricity in the cave, therefore it is assumed that "batteries" were "included" in the "thinng." Smokey sings along to the music, "On the island, the peaceful island, the 'LionQueen' sleeps tonight." Later, we see Smokey sweeping the rug with a Dharma "vacc." Hmm, there must have been crumbs from the "mac"aroos and "mac" pies that he was munching on.

Back at the swamp, Smokey sees GatorGal emerge from the abyss. Smokey musters up enough courage to say "hello" to GatorGal, and she departs the water to sit beside him on a log. Smokey was on pins and needles, and couldn't sit still. He wafted up and down lightly in the breeze. GatorGal made mention of a polar bear and Smokey said, "ydnewc1?" She looked at him, perplexed, and replied, "Huh?" Smokey repeated, "Why, do you know? Do you see one?"

Smokey peers intently at GatorGal and asks, "Where is Kaseygirl?" Sobbing, GatorGal replies,"They took her away." "Who took her away?" asks Smokey. "The Others," replied GatorGal, "they took her to another swamp on a different island." Smokey said, "I know that you loved Kaseygirl, but ... uh ... well ... I sort of have feelings for you, GatorGal." Cheered up by Smokey's feelings, GatorGal leaned over, and although she was repulsed, she closed her eyes, held her breath, and gave him a light kiss on the cheek. Then she quickly returned to the water and submerged. Smokey screamed, "GatorGal, GatorGal, come back, please! I love you!" GatorGal's long snout emerged from the water and she said, "To let a fool kiss you is stupid. But to let a kiss fool you is worse!" "You're not a fool," shouted Smokey, "but then again, I am not young enough to know everything."

Finally, we see Smokey in a crude church, paying homage to his favorite holy person -- Saint Ana Lucia. To the tune of "Ave Maria," the entire congregation of ghostly and smokey forms are singing, "Ana Luciiii-iiaaaa."

WHOOSH! Flash forward to present day on the island:

Him's sillygirl secretary at the mansion was busy filing her nails at 06:30 p.m. and didn't see an irate Other named Sidney "Hookedonlost" burst into the office where Smokey and Mr. Grimm were talking. Sidney yells, "Say Grimm, I need to see you for a minute." Him, quite startled, rises from his seat and while staring holes at Sidney, says, "They call me MISTER Grimm!" Sidney shouted, "vacc you, Grimm, you low scum," but before he could do anything else, Mr. Grimm got a couple of Big macs to remove the Other. As he was being led away, Sidney repeated over and again in a falsetto voice, "They call me Mrs. Grimm, they call me Mrs. Grimm."

Mr. Grimm, the Him-meister, thanked Smokey for telling him the jingle. Then he put his arm around our favorite wisp on all the island (it was a big, big arm) and said, "We are the good guys, Smokey!" He confided in Smokey that he once owned a dairy farm, where he was the big cheese. Then HimGrimm pulled out a DVD movie and inserted it into the player. But he forgot to change the station and the Labor Day telethon was on. When he heard big Ed proclaim, "Wait Vikki, I hear a tiffani," he quickly changed the channel to 91. The two of them watched "Do the Right thinng" and chowed down on "chao" berries, and CrispyShikotees, then headed off in Mr. Grimm's seaplane for the wild beyond. Smokey was enthralled by the sheer "phantasmagoria" of things.

The End

SPOILERS ALERT - from reliable sources, we know several "thinngs" that will occur when the series picks up on February 7. Read at your own risk!

  1. We learn in the first episode that the island was originally discovered by a dehydrated Frenchman by the name of Pierre.
  2. There is an all-day battle between the Losties and the Others. The Others throw dynamite at the Losties. The Losties light it and throw it back.
  3. We will learn how Mr. Grimm got the name, Him. It was because he always hires people who like what he likes -- Him!
  4. Jack Shephard meets up with death. Ironically, he is trampled by a wild herd of sheep.
  5. Kate and Sawyer are still locked in cages but use their cell phones to communicate.
  6. We find out that Charlie had amnesia once or twice.
  7. Bernard meets the devil face to face and stands his ground. The devil asks why he is not afraid of him and Bernard answers, "Hell, I've been married to Rose for 40 years."
  8. The Others have tens of thousands of bees. They keep them in archives.

WHOOSH! Flash forward 6 years.

"Lost" has been off the air for 4 years by now and the big hit on television these days is a remake of "The Dating Game," produced by davidrh, directed by Batteries_Included, and created by Cecil Rose, Bernard Rose, Maestr06, and Crispy Seaplanes. It televises each Wednesday at the odd time of 8:15 p.m. The host is a fella by the name of "Slack Mocum" and the most popular segment was when Smokey appeared. Smokey asked questions of female contestants, who sat on stools behind a curtain. Sillygirl0630, Vikki, Trinity, Kaseygirl, meg, GatorGal, Christy and Melissa jockeyed for one of the 3 stools, and it led to a brawl. A few of the tough-guy stage hands (Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje, Matthew Fox, Josh Holloway and Michelle Rodriguez, who thinks she's a siren but looks more like a false alarm) had to physically escort the ladies out. Slack Mocum immediately went into the audience and selected 3 replacements and the show went on. The replacements were Evangeline Lilly, Elizabeth Mitchell, and Jorge Garcia. Smokey selected Garcia and the two of them were whisked off to a remote island in the Pacific for a twelve week vacation. When they arrived, they stopped off at the Island hospital to visit Trinity, who was suffering from a case of "pneumoultramicroscopicilicavolcanoconiosis"

Hope all Lost Blog regulars had a Happy Thanksgiving. The first one to answer this question gets an "attaboy" or an "attagirl" -- What do the letters WTLTMG mean? -- ButchM

Wow~! The ULTIMATE compliment. Thanks for my prominent (and mysterious!) part in the story. Ooh la la -- only time will tell if I will reveal details behind my kiss with Smokey! Ciao!

#1. Posted by: GatorGal at November 28, 2006 1:09 PM

Coupla suggestions for WTLTMG...

1) Wednesday's The Lads Take Me Golfing
2) We Totally Love Trashing Mac's Gibberish
3) Whatever Tastes Lousy Tequila Makes Gooder
4) We're The Lost Transcendental Meditation Groupies
5) We Tease Lobsters Then Munch Greedily
6) Women Take Longer Than Men Going
7) Where's The Last Twinkie, Mr. Grimm?

#2. Posted by: ransomjackson at November 28, 2006 2:48 PM

Way to go ButchM! Must have taken you forever to work all the names into the story. I thank you for puttin me in there too! As for the WTLTMG... "When The Lost Team Meets GatorGal" ?? no clue... but I'm sure if you made it up, it's gonna be great. Thanks again for the story. (Watch out Mac... better find out if ButchM is steadily employeed.)

#3. Posted by: BunnyLover at November 28, 2006 2:50 PM

Bernard meets the devil face to face and stands his ground. The devil asks why he is not afraid of him and Bernard answers, "Hell, I've been married to Rose for 40 years."


Very nice man =]

#4. Posted by: chase at November 28, 2006 4:00 PM

@ ransomjackson

>Where's The Last Twinkie, Mr. Grimm?

You are on the right track with this one - very, very close.

#5. Posted by: BucthM at November 28, 2006 4:49 PM

I am honored for my mention as well. I loved the dui ticket line - funny, very funny.

#6. Posted by: meg at November 28, 2006 5:02 PM

BRAVO! Thanks so much for the fun read ButchM!

"Sillygirl0630, Vikki, Trinity, Kaseygirl, meg, GatorGal, Christy and Melissa jockeyed for one of the 3 stools, and it led to a brawl. A few of the tough-guy stage hands (Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje, Matthew Fox, Josh Holloway and Michelle Rodriguez, who thinks she's a siren but looks more like a false alarm) had to physically escort the ladies out."

My ultimate fantasy...to be physically escorted anywhere by Josh Halloway!

#7. Posted by: Sillygirl0630 at November 28, 2006 6:34 PM

thx you should do this lottttssss more.

SO FUN TO READ!!

#8. Posted by: forever_lost at November 28, 2006 8:45 PM

Gee, thanks Butch!

#9. Posted by: Kaseygirl at November 28, 2006 8:57 PM

Way to go!!

How long did it take to put this whole thing together? I don't think I'd the creativity to do one of these.

If you make another one, I'd love to be in it!

#10. Posted by: Castaway at November 28, 2006 9:40 PM

Great Story Butch M - It blew me away! You have a very creative mind. Do you write often? Do you have other stories?

#11. Posted by: Jill C at November 29, 2006 7:55 AM

Butch - I neglected to express my utmost appreciation for your outstanding creation. Extremely well done. And of course thank you for my inclusion. The bar is raised, ladies and gents.

As for WTLTMG, I seem to recall Mr. Grimm was going to be keeping score on how many times a Lostie does the deed. So I believe the acronym might be, "What's The Latest Tally, Mr. Grimm".

But I like the Twinkie one better...

#12. Posted by: ransomjackson at November 29, 2006 8:19 AM

@ ransomjackson

Yout got it rj, "What's the latest tally, Mr. Grimm?"

Good memory.

#13. Posted by: ButchM at November 29, 2006 2:31 PM

It strikes me that "Slack Mocum" would be an excellent stage name for X-rated videos.

#14. Posted by: Cecil Rose at November 29, 2006 4:05 PM

Hey! why wasnt i "physicaly escorted" of the stage by josh holloway?!?
oh yeah i forgot, i was busy eating filthy swap fish with gatorgal...
so i was stupid enough to ignore the "run for your life" background music and got caught by the others.shit.


So a remake of the dating game is in my future. god i always hated that show...

It was good ButchM, you should have a monthly story. hilariouse.(if i spelled any thing wrong i dont want to know)

#15. Posted by: Kaseygirl at November 29, 2006 7:37 PM

@ Castaway

There was a smokey back story, part III, but it was castaway before I could post it.

@ Cecil Rose

Slack Mocum, X-rated movie star. Hmm, very interesting. Say, how is Bernard doing?

#16. Posted by: ButchM at November 30, 2006 5:14 PM

Nice. Very nice.

#17. Posted by: Castaway at December 3, 2006 8:36 PM

WOW! Very cool, ButchM....thanks for my cameo! :)

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