The Lost Blog

LOST Caption: Stick 'em up!

Season Four's supercharged episode "The Shape Of Things To Come" continues the Benjamin Linus saga - flash-forward style - beginning with his eerie materialization smack in the middle of the Sahara Desert.  Fortunately, a lifetime spent playing the game "If you were stranded on an Island, what one item would you bring?" has prepared Ben for this very moment. He opts to bring along his itty-bitty telescopic whoop-ass baton.  (I wonder if airlines began screening for these after this episode aired).

Although he's outmanned and outgunned, Ben uses the element of surprise to his advantage. As the pair of desert travelers try to figure out what the strange black cylinder is, Ben uses it to swiftly dispatch his new acquaintances, then steals their horse and gallops off to Tunisia.     

Congratulations to ealgumby, the winner of our previous Bedtime Stories photo caption contest.  (Honorable mention to ransomjackson for his two-part entry) 

Once again, here's the official  

Countdown to LOST: Season 5

Post your captions, comments, or any other LOST ramblings below this week's photo. 

On behalf of the DeGroots, Alvar Hanso, and all of us here at the Lost Blog - thank you, Namasté, and good luck

Ben's Big Bad Telescopic Baton

first!! sorry meg

#1. Posted by: mtncbn at December 17, 2008 7:58 PM

Ben: What this? All I can tell you about it is that it's long, black, fleshy and filled with questionable content... And it's not a burnt hotdog.
Guy in background: Oh my God, I think it's ...mine!
- This is where I got the idea. seemed perfect for this shot. although it's funny enough even without a caption I reckon.

#2. Posted by: Arinen at December 17, 2008 8:02 PM

Arab #1: I searched him. This is the only thing he has on him.

Arab #2: You look very familiar. Where do I know you from?

Ben: (looking nervous) I'm sure we've never met before. (inches his thumb towards a button on the baton)

Arab #1: Wait! I know who you are! You're CLAY AIKEN!

Arab #2: (Excited) Yes! That's it. The American Idol.

Ben: (relieved, relaxes his grip on the weapon) Yes, that's who I am. That's why I have this microphone. Can you give me a ride into Tunisia?

#3. Posted by: vacc at December 18, 2008 1:36 PM


#4. Posted by: Cecil Rose at December 18, 2008 5:31 PM

Tunisian Horseman #1: Meka heka leka... jihad... jihad.

Ben: (thinking Teeth and Cleavage, Teeth and Cleavage)... ummm... have you... ummm... accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord and personal savior?... (thinking yeah... that's the ticket)... ummm... can I interest you in Amway's line of tent and carpet cleaning products?...

Tunisian Horseman #2: (thinking WTF?)

Tunisian Horseman #1: (in perfect English) Come on Mortimer. Let's go. We're going to be late for high-tea.

Tunisian Horseman #2: (riding away, in perfect valley-speak) Dude. We were just gonna hassle you a little...

#5. Posted by: TanziTwo at December 19, 2008 6:40 AM

Ben: Look, it's only a big pretty, death stick? You can do oh so much with it, but it's barely a weapon... I guess it depends on the context. I suppose I could attack you with it; especially if you were a girl.

Horse/Gun Dude #1: That's what she said.

#6. Posted by: ilovebenjaminlinusxx at December 19, 2008 8:47 AM

Ben: "Hey, is this a cigar in my hands or am I just happy to see you?"

#7. Posted by: BunnyLover at December 19, 2008 11:59 AM

Haha, Clay Aiken. And I love that I'm not the only sick-minded one here, love BunnyLover's post. Though mine was a bit worse I think. And slightly racist maybe. Sorry if anyone took offense.

#8. Posted by: Arinen at December 19, 2008 4:21 PM

Ben: "Why yes oh gracious one... twas me... thy smelt it - I dealt it."

#9. Posted by: MorBid0 at December 19, 2008 7:34 PM

Guy #1 (to Ben) What is that? Is it a weapon?

Ben: Are you talking to me, or to HIM? (motions towards object in his hand)

Guy #2 (puzzled look) Are you insane?

Ben: Don't you know who this is? Wait.. This should help. (puts a Santa hat on object)

Both men begin laughing at Ben, until the object in Ben's hand begins to speak..


Ben: This is Mr. Hanky.

Both men: (blank stares)

Ben: C'mon, haven't you heard of Mr. Hanky, the Christmas Poo?

(Ben breaks into song)
We've all heard of Rudolph and his shiny nose..
And we all know frosty who's made out of snow..
But all of those stories seem kind of, Gay..
Cos we all know who brightens up our holiday..

Mr Hanky, The Christmas Poo
Small and Brown, he comes from you
Sit on the toilet, here he comes
Squeezin' 'tween your festive buns!
A present from down below
Spreading joy with a 'howdy ho'!
He's seen the love inside of you
Cos he's a piece of poo!

#10. Posted by: vacc at December 22, 2008 4:48 PM

Ben: Do not be alarmed! I present to you my battery-operated massage wand, perfect for relaxing knotted muscles, especially in those “hard to reach” places. Take note of the clever ergonomic design, bound to save your hands from hours of overwork. Yes, there are other wands out there with a tapered end, but I personally prefer the more rounded end for working myself. You will be amazed by how well its contours meld with your hands and body, providing almost unspeakable pleasure! Now, how much would you offer for such a wondrous device? Don’t answer! This beauty can be yours for one easy payment, of just one horse. Okay, that may seem a bit steep, but please, let me demonstrate … just one flick of this switch, and I can gently massage your face. I promise, you will be so relaxed with just one stroke, that you will simply want to pass out!

(Ahmed, curiosity piqued, cautiously begins to step forward)

Mahmood: Ahmed! Stop, don’t be so stupid!

(Ahmed freezes, then turns to Mahmood)

Ahmed: Whatever do you mean, Mahmood? After our hard ride, a pleasant facial massage seems quite inviting!

Mahmood: Do not be deceived by the infidel! I have heard tales of these so-called “facial massage wands” before, and he is playing a joke upon us! He has not been massaging his FACE with this wand … rather, he means to insult us by soiling our faces with his filth!

(Ahmed steps back, looks toward Ben with a glare of utter disgust, and wags his finger at him)

Ahmed: You are a very bad man!

Ben: Yes. Yes I am.

Mahmood: Curses to you! You must have no girlfriend and no job, but probably plenty of drugs to take the edge off your massage sessions!

Ben: You may be surprised.

(Ben presses the switch, extending the baton, and proceeds to wallop the bejesus out of both of them)

Ben: See? I promised you’d want to pass out with just one stroke to your face!

(Ben mounts a horse, glances down at the bodies, then momentarily stares up to the sky)

Ben: See, dear old dad, my time spent as a Dharmaway salesman did NOT go to waste! Yah!

(Ben gallops off to his pending hotel reservation)

#11. Posted by: ealgumby at December 23, 2008 9:03 PM