LOST Caption: Knock Knock Knockin on Desmonds Door

What did one snowman say to the other? Let's hope Desmond has the answer written down in that journal..

1 - Smells like carrots.
2 - Looks like starfish.
3 - Tastes like cornhole.
4 - Sounds like an earthquake.
5 - Feels like Teen Heaven

Faraday: Trick-Or-Treat

Desmond: Are you him?

Faraday: No this is my Halloween costume.

Desmond: Oh.. Nice Charles Manson costume.

Faraday: No! No! No! I'm supposed to be George McFly..

Desmond: Huh?

Faraday: From Back To The Future

Desmond: Aye, that silly time travel movie. (Lowers his gun) Wait right here Brutha.. (returns a moment later)

Faraday: (twitches nervously)

Desmond: Sorry Brutha, there's no more Appolo Bars in the pantry. I suppose you'll just have to throw your eggs or toilet paper or whatever. (closes hatch door)

Faraday: (opens backpack and removes a Hydrogen Bomb warhead) Okay, you asked for it!

Dan: No need for gunfire mate.

Dez: Surely. Sez who?

Dan: erm... I am fairly certain that my mum has the whole 'shooting me in the chest' thing covered... eventually... or already... that's not why I am here. And stop calling me Shirley.

Dez: Who is your mum? Shirley Manson? What should I call you?

Dan: You can call me Dan... or Doctor... or Doctor Faraday... or Doctor Dan... or Dan Faraday. Most people call me Daniel. But that's not important right now. What is important is that I tell you about Eloise the Rat. My mum is Eloise too. Shirley Manson? Is that Charles Manson's mum?

Dez: So you are the one that has been raiding my cannibis plot out back - you named a rat after your mother? Surely you are kidding?

Dan: It's Daniel! Not Shirley. My dilemna. I don't know which came first, the rat, or my rat of a mother. I have this theory... (wipes bleeding nose)... but I can't figure it out. I need your help. If... no... WHEN... you meet me in the past, I need you to...

Dez: Hold it right there Mister Manson! Meet you in the past? You have been stealing my pot...

Dan: ...It's Doctor! Not Mister. I didn't go to evil physicist school for seven years just to be called Mister.

Dez: I am the one with the rifle... you might want to change your tone lad.

Dan: I guess what I am saying is that - I don't what I am saying.

Dez: Welcome to my world.

Dan: Okay then. I will be off now. Remember me when... whenever.

Dez: You are like a frightened Chihuahua that just wet himself... go... GO! And stay away from my plants.

For the LAST TIME! I don't want any Girl Scout Cookies.

Dan: I have an urgent message for you ...

Des: Yeah, I know ... you’re trying to pay your way through college by selling magazine subscriptions and winning a contest ... well, you can just get back on the Shambala van with the rest of your crew, and take your dodge down to the next hatch!

Dan: No, I’ve already been to the university ... well, I WILL go ... but you need to help me!

Des: Sorry brutha, but I don’t *need* to do anything for you. However, I might release the can of tear gas hanging from my belt, as apparently the rifle in your face isn’t enough ...

Dan: You don’t seem to understand, you must contact my mother ...

Des: No, YOU don’t seem to understand! The previous tenant went mad because of skites like you, but I won’t let it happen to me. So leave now, before I ...

FOOM!

Des: ... Quite effective this suit and mask bit; I’ll have to remember that.

Peanut Butter Jelly Time! Peanut Butter Jelly Time! Peanut Butter Jelly Time!

Faraday: Hello Laa Laa! Can Tinky Winky come out and play?

Laa Laa: Eh Oh! Tinky Winky Bizzy..

(Sounds of a vacuum cleaner followed by loud moaning can be heard from within the hatch)

Tinky Winky: Oh Nu Nu! Yes! Yes!

Faraday: But I hear Tinky Winky. (Takes a step forward)

Laa Laa: (raises gun) Take one more step and you're Tubby Toast

Desmond: Stay out of my hatch until your flatulence has gone!

Dan: Is that a banana suit you're wearing, or are you just happy to see me?

Daniel: Desmond, there's something you need to know from the future.

Des: And what is that, brutha?

Daniel: You need to get rid of the yellow moon suit. Otherwise you'll never be the sexiest man on the island, and thousands of Lost fans will have nothing to drool over for the rest of Season 5.

*knock knock*
Desmond: What did one Cobain say to the other?

Daniel: Smells like teen spirit!

Alternate scene from DVD extras, filmed with Cheech and Hugo...

Hugo: I’m not going to the barracks today!

Cheech: (points rifle) What do you mean?

Hugo: Just what I said. I’m not going to the barracks!

Cheech: And why not?

Hugo: I got an earache!

Cheech: Earache my eye! How would you like a buttache? Now get ready for the barracks! And clean up this hatch! It looks like a pig sty! Now get your monster fanny perpendicular...

Dan [Mac]: Hi, I'm a Mac, confirmed by my casual campus look and backpack. So PC, what's up with the hermetically sealed suit?

Des [PC]: Viruses! Deadly viruses are out here, so I need all this protective gear to stay secure.

Dan: Really? Who told you that, and where'd you get that stuff, anyway?

Des: A guy named Norton ... he gave me the yellow suit, and I trust it will keep me safe.

Dan: But it's torn ... look, there's a hole right there ...

Des: No there isn't!

Dan: Yes, there is. See, I can poke my finger right through it easily.

Des: You stop that, or I'll shoot! Now you better run along, and get protection for yourself too.

Dan: Oh, I don't need it. Like I said, I'm a Mac, duh. That means I am impervious to hostile attack.

Des: Really? Who told you that, because googling "OS X security patches" indicates otherwise ...

Dan: I am immune ... I just need a software update now and then from Apple to stay on the cutting edge.

Des: You realize those "updates" are patches to fill holes in security, don't you? Do you really think you've gotten your last one?

Dan: PC, you make me knowingly shake my head and chuckle! For the last time, I have no vulnerabilities!

Post script -

Des learned his performance-hobbling yellow suit wasn't required after all, but going naked wasn't cool either.

Dan learned he was not impervious to bullets.

You're not by chance...hiding...reptilian skin under that jumpsuit, are you?

ealgumby - AWESOME dialogue - I am humbled by your brilliance

Daniel eventually came to realize that tinkering with the Hot Scots Replicator would only lead to disappointment. His dreams of being stranded on a tropical island with a young Sean Connery were not to be.

ealgumby - I suspect Benjamin Linux would have an opinion here ;-)

(knock, knock)

Who's there?

Daniel.

Daniel who?

No, Who's on first.

look bitch, i'm not converting!!!!!

Dan. knock, knock.

Des. who is there?

Dan. Joe & Angie.

Des. hi Joe. where is Angie?

Dan. it is a joke. Joe and Angie!

Des. i do not get it sibling. why would you say there is a male and female at the side door to my hatch when there is obviously only you? someone who appears, on initial inspection, to be neither male, nor female. are you a genetic hybrid sent by the paternal parent of the female i am most fond of - penelope?

Dan. negative. i am attempting to add levity to this odd interface between robotic actors with no range of emotion or talent.

Des. concur... why?

Dan. Joe and Angie. an obscure reference to north american linguistic manipulation of first names, for humorous purposes.

Des. thank you lieutenant commander Data. still?

Dan. Joe and Angie. Jo'mama... and ja'Daddy too.

Des. (fires rifle repeatedly)

Nice interview w/ most of the Bad Robot producers at GQ.com

http://tinyurl.com/ya3fxab

Lots of LOST stuff, only one tiny spoiler-like hint. You'll be amazed at what THEY watch on TV.

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Humor is also a way of saying something serious.

I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.

A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.

Opportunities multiply as they are seized.

One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.

I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.

You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.

To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him

Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.

It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.

Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.

My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.

Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.

It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.

Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.

Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.

Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.

I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.

I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.

> > > Goodbye to all! Thanks for years of great fun and good > > > business! > > Suicide or MS C++? > Is there a difference? Suicide hurts only once...

Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official...

The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.

Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.

Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.

In this war ? as in others ? I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.

Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.

If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software

Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me

Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.

Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.

If a man does his best, what else is there?

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.

Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official...

Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.

Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.

Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.

About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.

DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form.

You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.

Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.

Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.

Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.

The graveyards are full of indispensable men.

Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.

A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.

Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.

Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance

There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.

It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.

Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.

Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.

To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.

2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.

Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.

Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.

If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that's my position.

Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.

When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.

Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.

The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.

I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.

Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.

People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.

I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.

Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.

Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.

The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.

A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.

It is better to be quotable than to be honest.

Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.

Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.

Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.

Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.

C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog

Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.

Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.

Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.

2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.

If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.

If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.

Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.

Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.

After every 'victory' you have more enemies.

Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.

I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.

Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.

If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.

I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.

If you are going through hell, keep going.

Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.

The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.

The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.

A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.

Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.

When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.

Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.

A poem is never finished, only abandoned.

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.

The graveyards are full of indispensable men.

We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.

Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time

[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.

People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.

For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.

It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.

It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.

I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.

Write a wise word and your name will live forever.

When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.

Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.

If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.

The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.

Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !

It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.

Everything that can be invented has been invented.

Humor is just another defense against the universe.

I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.

Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.

Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.

Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.

Silence is argument carried out by other means.

When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.

Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.

I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.

War doesn't make boys men, it makes men dead.

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change

Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.

One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.

Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes

Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.

What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.

You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.

People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.

We are Dyslexia of Borg. Fusistance is retile. Your ass will be laminated.

Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.

It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.

Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.

Why don't you write books people can read?

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.

The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question

Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.

Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

Everything that can be invented has been invented.

In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.

It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.

It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.

Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.

Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.

In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me - and by that time no one was left to speak up.

If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.

The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.

Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.

A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.

What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.

Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.

The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.

University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.

Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.

Humor is also a way of saying something serious.

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.

Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.

A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.

Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'

Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.

Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.

A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...

Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.

War doesn't make boys men, it makes men dead.

I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.

I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.

Behind every great fortune there is a crime.

There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.

We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.

Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.

Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.

The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.

I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.

Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.

Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.

Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.

If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.

I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.

Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.

You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.

The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.

Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.

Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.

Total absence of humor renders life impossible.

Don't be so humble - you are not that great.

There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.

Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.

The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.

Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time

Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it

I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.

It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.

Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.

Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.

> > > Goodbye to all! Thanks for years of great fun and good > > > business! > > Suicide or MS C++? > Is there a difference? Suicide hurts only once...

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.

I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.

Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.

For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.

If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track

Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.

Smith & Wesson ? the original point and click interface.

When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.

Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?

If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.

Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.

I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.

A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.

It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.

I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.

Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

Hi there, what's up you guys???

Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.

First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.

The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.

It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.

It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.

If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?

Hi there, what's up you guys???

The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

A hen is only an egg?s way of making another egg.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.

The graveyards are full of indispensable men.

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.

Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.

Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.

True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.

A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.

We are Dyslexia of Borg. Fusistance is retile. Your ass will be laminated.

I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.

The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.

Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.

The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.

To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.

Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.

Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.

I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

The truth is more important than the facts.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

Write a wise word and your name will live forever.

To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.

Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.

People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.

If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.

Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.

Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.

My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

The covers of this book are too far apart.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.

If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.

We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.

Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!

'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.

Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.

I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.

Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.

Premature optimization is the root of all evil.

Hi there, what's up you guys???

I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.

Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax.

The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.

First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.

Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.

Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.

Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.

... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.

Humor is also a way of saying something serious.

The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.

Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.

I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.

I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.

Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.

Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.

Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

Don't be so humble - you are not that great.

C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog

We have art to save ourselves from the truth.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?

Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.

War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.

Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...

Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.

Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.

The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.

Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.

Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Happiness is good health and a bad memory.

It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.

Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.

The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels !

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.

Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.

Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.

A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.

The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.

Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.

2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.

Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.

My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.

A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.

Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.

A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.

I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.

If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?

Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.

Silence is argument carried out by other means.

The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.

I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...

The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.

Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.

The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.

Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.

One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.

Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.

For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.

They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--

Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.

Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?

Far too many development shops are run by fools who succeed despite their many failings.

A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.

War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.

You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.

To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him

Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.

Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.

A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.

We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?

War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!

I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.

The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.

Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.

I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.

One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.

If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.

Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.

Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

This could not possibly have been more hpelful!

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

This could not possibly have been more hpelful!

This could not possibly have been more hpelful!

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.

Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.

Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn't over until everyone gets their cookies.

A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.

For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.

If you are going through hell, keep going.

When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.

He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.

I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.

Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.

To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.

All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.

Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.

The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.

Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.

When ideas fail, words come in very handy.

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

The graveyards are full of indispensable men.

I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.

Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.

I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.

The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.

Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?

It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.

'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.

Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.

I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.

Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.

All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.

UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.

The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.

When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.

It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software

There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.

Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.

It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.

There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.

There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.

Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.

Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.

Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.

Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.

We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.

A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.

The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.

Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.

Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.

The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.

It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.

I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.

Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.

Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.

There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.

Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.

There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.

When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.

What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.

Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.

They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.

If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.

The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.

When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.

Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.

Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.

An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.

I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.

Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.

Smith & Wesson ? the original point and click interface.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.

We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.

Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain

It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.

Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.

For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.

Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.

Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.

If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.

Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!

No one can earn a million dollars honestly.

Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn't over until everyone gets their cookies.

If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.

Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.

We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.

One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.

What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.

Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.

Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.

I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.

Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it

The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.

In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.

Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.

I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.

It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.

If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.

Total absence of humor renders life impossible.

If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.

If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.

Humor is just another defense against the universe.

The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.

Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.

My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.

Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.

If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.