1 - Smells like carrots.
2 - Looks like starfish.
3 - Tastes like cornhole.
4 - Sounds like an earthquake.
5 - Feels like Teen Heaven

Desmond: Are you him?

Faraday: No this is my Halloween costume.

Desmond: Oh.. Nice Charles Manson costume.

Faraday: No! No! No! I'm supposed to be George McFly..

Desmond: Huh?

Faraday: From Back To The Future

Desmond: Aye, that silly time travel movie. (Lowers his gun) Wait right here Brutha.. (returns a moment later)

Faraday: (twitches nervously)

Desmond: Sorry Brutha, there's no more Appolo Bars in the pantry. I suppose you'll just have to throw your eggs or toilet paper or whatever. (closes hatch door)

Faraday: (opens backpack and removes a Hydrogen Bomb warhead) Okay, you asked for it!

Dez: Surely. Sez who?

Dan: erm... I am fairly certain that my mum has the whole 'shooting me in the chest' thing covered... eventually... or already... that's not why I am here. And stop calling me Shirley.

Dez: Who is your mum? Shirley Manson? What should I call you?

Dan: You can call me Dan... or Doctor... or Doctor Faraday... or Doctor Dan... or Dan Faraday. Most people call me Daniel. But that's not important right now. What is important is that I tell you about Eloise the Rat. My mum is Eloise too. Shirley Manson? Is that Charles Manson's mum?

Dez: So you are the one that has been raiding my cannibis plot out back - you named a rat after your mother? Surely you are kidding?

Dan: It's Daniel! Not Shirley. My dilemna. I don't know which came first, the rat, or my rat of a mother. I have this theory... (wipes bleeding nose)... but I can't figure it out. I need your help. If... no... WHEN... you meet me in the past, I need you to...

Dez: Hold it right there Mister Manson! Meet you in the past? You have been stealing my pot...

Dan: ...It's Doctor! Not Mister. I didn't go to evil physicist school for seven years just to be called Mister.

Dez: I am the one with the rifle... you might want to change your tone lad.

Dan: I guess what I am saying is that - I don't what I am saying.

Dez: Welcome to my world.

Dan: Okay then. I will be off now. Remember me when... whenever.

Dez: You are like a frightened Chihuahua that just wet himself... go... GO! And stay away from my plants.

Des: Yeah, I know ... you’re trying to pay your way through college by selling magazine subscriptions and winning a contest ... well, you can just get back on the Shambala van with the rest of your crew, and take your dodge down to the next hatch!

Dan: No, I’ve already been to the university ... well, I WILL go ... but you need to help me!

Des: Sorry brutha, but I don’t *need* to do anything for you. However, I might release the can of tear gas hanging from my belt, as apparently the rifle in your face isn’t enough ...

Dan: You don’t seem to understand, you must contact my mother ...

Des: No, YOU don’t seem to understand! The previous tenant went mad because of skites like you, but I won’t let it happen to me. So leave now, before I ...

FOOM!

Des: ... Quite effective this suit and mask bit; I’ll have to remember that.

Laa Laa: Eh Oh! Tinky Winky Bizzy..

(Sounds of a vacuum cleaner followed by loud moaning can be heard from within the hatch)

Tinky Winky: Oh Nu Nu! Yes! Yes!

Faraday: But I hear Tinky Winky. (Takes a step forward)

Laa Laa: (raises gun) Take one more step and you're Tubby Toast

Des: And what is that, brutha?

Daniel: You need to get rid of the yellow moon suit. Otherwise you'll never be the sexiest man on the island, and thousands of Lost fans will have nothing to drool over for the rest of Season 5.

Daniel: Smells like teen spirit!

Hugo: I’m not going to the barracks today!

Cheech: (points rifle) What do you mean?

Hugo: Just what I said. I’m not going to the barracks!

Cheech: And why not?

Hugo: I got an earache!

Cheech: Earache my eye! How would you like a buttache? Now get ready for the barracks! And clean up this hatch! It looks like a pig sty! Now get your monster fanny perpendicular...

Des [PC]: Viruses! Deadly viruses are out here, so I need all this protective gear to stay secure.

Dan: Really? Who told you that, and where'd you get that stuff, anyway?

Des: A guy named Norton ... he gave me the yellow suit, and I trust it will keep me safe.

Dan: But it's torn ... look, there's a hole right there ...

Des: No there isn't!

Dan: Yes, there is. See, I can poke my finger right through it easily.

Des: You stop that, or I'll shoot! Now you better run along, and get protection for yourself too.

Dan: Oh, I don't need it. Like I said, I'm a Mac, duh. That means I am impervious to hostile attack.

Des: Really? Who told you that, because googling "OS X security patches" indicates otherwise ...

Dan: I am immune ... I just need a software update now and then from Apple to stay on the cutting edge.

Des: You realize those "updates" are patches to fill holes in security, don't you? Do you really think you've gotten your last one?

Dan: PC, you make me knowingly shake my head and chuckle! For the last time, I have no vulnerabilities!

Post script -

Des learned his performance-hobbling yellow suit wasn't required after all, but going naked wasn't cool either.

Dan learned he was not impervious to bullets.

Who's there?

Daniel.

Daniel who?

No, Who's on first.

Des. who is there?

Dan. Joe & Angie.

Des. hi Joe. where is Angie?

Dan. it is a joke. Joe and Angie!

Des. i do not get it sibling. why would you say there is a male and female at the side door to my hatch when there is obviously only you? someone who appears, on initial inspection, to be neither male, nor female. are you a genetic hybrid sent by the paternal parent of the female i am most fond of - penelope?

Dan. negative. i am attempting to add levity to this odd interface between robotic actors with no range of emotion or talent.

Des. concur... why?

Dan. Joe and Angie. an obscure reference to north american linguistic manipulation of first names, for humorous purposes.

Des. thank you lieutenant commander Data. still?

Dan. Joe and Angie. Jo'mama... and ja'Daddy too.

Des. (fires rifle repeatedly)

http://tinyurl.com/ya3fxab

Lots of LOST stuff, only one tiny spoiler-like hint. You'll be amazed at what THEY watch on TV.