What comes first? The chicken or the sex?
The show opens at Ray King's (The Jazz Guy) Queens apartment. Carrie and he are on their second date. He doesn't seem to want to talk about his history, or so she thinks. He's obsessed with Jazz and it looks like Carrie's not into it at all. Jazz music is playing and he breaks conversation to replay the bass riff that inspired him to pick up the bass in the first place. He wants to know if she can feel the magic as well. Carrie confesses that she doesn't like jazz. You can't follow it, there's no melody and it's all over the place. Ray hits the floor literally and tells her that she's gotta stop trying to make it into something that it's not, appreciate it for what it is. Ray suddenly wishes he had his bass. Instead, he decides to play Carrie. She tries to slow down the moment by asking him if he plays all of the instruments that hang from a pot rack in his kitchen. Not really, he learns a few notes, gets bored and moves on. Clue number one. All that goes straight to hell when he really starts playing her like his bass. Yummy.
Out at a bar with the tribe, she confesses that she had the most intense orgasm of her entire life with Ray last night. Miranda did her laundry, but please continue. Carrie thinks that it doesn't make any sense, she barely knows him and they've only been on two dates. Charlotte scolds and Samantha tells everyone to shut up so she can hear about the sex. Correction: The mind blowing sex. Carrie's dilemma and big secret is that she usually has to be in love with someone to get off like that. Samantha suggests seeing someone about it. Charlotte suggests that maybe, he's the one. Carrie thinks it might have been a fluke. She's going back tomorrow to confirm.
Miranda is on strike, no more sex until conditions improve. She cannot go on anymore bad dates. Do you have any idea how many times I've heard women say this?! It's frightening.
Samantha drops her bomb about being in a relationship with Maria. "Yes ladies, I'm a lesbian." Carrie's shocked by the fact that she's in a relationship. That's when Maria shows up. The girls go into complete game show mode. Their faces show nothing but contrived, overkill smiles. Maria can tell that they know.
Afterwards, the girls (sans Samantha) walk down the street and Carrie is in awe. She was the one that had the mind-blowing orgasm and Samantha still managed to "up-sex" her.
Inspired by Samantha's daring to explore new things, Charlotte decides tonight's the night to try and have sex in the marital bed with Trey. They stand at the foot of the bed, intimidated, and when they dive in, they fall in slo-mo while romantic Italian music plays in the background.
Miranda discovers that chocolate ecclairs (seven of them!) and The John Stewart show are now her idea of the perfect date.
Back in the marital bed, Charlotte and Trey complete something of their own that she claims is almost mind blowing. Gotta walk before you can run. She wants to know what he's thinking. Trey's never seen his "John Thomas" so hard and sometimes he feels like (fist punching the air here) "it was gonna rocket right off!" He's so okey-doke. I couldn't stop laughing. Trey asks what Charlotte's thinking. She struggles and stutters and before she can say that she's ready to move back in because their sex problems seem to be solved, Trey guesses that what she's really trying to says is, "can we go again?" Three, two, one blast-off.
Carrie's brushing her teeth when Ray buzzes from outside. She lets him in and Samantha calls. She wants to know if the girls were talking about her last night. For about nine blocks. Samantha's kind of upset that they're not encouraging her to talk about her relationship. She listens to them all the time. Carries asks her if she really does that. Samantha whines, "I make the courtesy calls. Do you love him, blah, blah, blaaaaah." She caught them a little off guard with the whole lesbian thing is all. Oh that's just a label like Gucci or Versace. Samantha insists that this is not about being gay or straight. Maria has passion and talent and intelligence. Besides, they haven't even had sex yet. By now, Ray has walked in with a bottle in a bag. He wants a Bourbon and to go down on her, not necessarily in that order. You can hear Samantha still talking on the other end of the phone. She really wants sex to be special the first time with Maria. Ray starts chewing on Carrie's face when Samantha realizes that he's there. Carrie doesn't hang up. What a trooper.
That night Carrie was really gonna try and talk to Ray to get the relationship to catch up with the sex. He got all heated up by the freckles on her legs and there went that idea.
"Meanwhile over at Casa De Lesbo," tonight's the big night. Candles, soft music, hair coming down and a sensuous dinner. Maria and Samantha share a strawberry that turns into a kiss. Samantha starts to make her patented moves on Maria. She leans back and tries to get into it. We hear Samantha moaning "oh baby" repeatedly from Maria's crotch. With a tap on the head, Maria interrupts Samantha's game and says that it's not really working for her. Whoa. That's like telling Spartacus you can kick his ass. She'd never heard THAT before and never got any complaints from the men. Pishah says Maria. She wants Samantha to connect with her. This is love-making, not a porno flick. Kinda scary to imagine that your entire sexual career might only resemble smut films. Here's what we're gonna do. Maria's gonna lay down and show Samantha her pusetta. That's Portuguese for pussy. Samantha just nods out of embarrassment and confusion. The fact that just about every scene between these two is shot through Sonia Braga's spread thighs with Kim Catrall's face hovering in the middle is SO raw and brave. They have entire conversations like this.
Miranda's at the bakery and about to order only one chocolate ecclair when a chocolate work of art called "The Louvre" catches her eye. It costs $74.50. Forget that. At home now, she slams a box of Duncan Hines chocolate cake mix down on the counter. Done.
A HYSTERICAL sliding montage visits all the girls in the throws of their collective passions. From Miranda and her box of cake mix, to Carrie giggling under the sheets with Ray until she has another mind-blowing orgasm, to Samantha in mid-thigh position exclaiming, "oh" while looking at Maria's pusetta with a new understanding, to Trey banging the hell out of Charlotte on top of a dresser so hard that he's gotta pull a wooden Mallard duck out her ass, back to Miranda downing her cake, back to Ray and Carrie giggling her ass off and when the sheets come off of her feet, their sixty-nine position is revealed, over to Miranda still dipping into the cake and more cake and cake cake cake.
The morning coffee shop ritual has Charlotte bitching to Miranda and Carrie about her and Trey's now existent sex life. She's pissed that they make love all over the apartment and in the morning, she slinks home like a Park Avenue hooker. Why can't she have the relationship and the sex, why always one or the other? Damned it they know. Miranda's hungry but they're still waiting for the "Lesbian du jour." Speaking of which, Carrie passes on Samantha's request for more discussion about her relationship. She's kind of upset that they didn't take it seriously. Oh please. Charlotte knows that she's just doing it to bug them. But Carrie says that they haven't even had sex yet because Samantha wants it to be special. That convinces Charlotte faster than Carrie can buy a new pair of shoes. Well then they should be supportive. This is the healthiest thing Samantha's done in a long time. Miranda asks if anyone wants to split the chocolate pudding. Down girl.
Samantha finally bubbles in and the moment she sits down, like a true friend, Charlotte asks how her relationship with Maria is going. Weeeeeeell, did they know that when engorged, the vagina expands to the size of a fist? It's like a fabulous cave. AND women have three holes down there. Miranda and Carrie guess that they've had sex. Now Charlotte wants Samantha to stop talking about her relationship. Samantha continues. It's so fascinating! There are some places that a dick just can't go. Carrie disagrees. Some dicks manage just fine. Samantha waves her fingers around and says, "oh please, Maria has ten dicks." Charlotte looks like she's gonna tear Samantha's head off or throw up. Maybe both. Miranda reminds her that she started all this. Carrie's sorry but, a finger is not a dick. Samantha demonstrates the difference between her experience with men and her experience with Maria with some rude hand gestures. Charlotte tells her to, "put that away!" Samantha claims that size has nothing to do with it which makes Miranda cry out, "what's happening to you!?" She's getting an education! "The most important thing of all is that Maria's taught me how to connect during sex. It's not just some animal act, it's about two people, making love." For the first time in the history of the show, Samantha and Charlotte have caught up with each other. I mean hell, this is exactly what Charlotte's been jumping up and down, trying to tell her from day one. Carrie quietly agrees, obviously disheartened by the fact that she's not connecting with anyone.
She walks into Ray's apartment to find him hopping around without a shirt (he couldn't decide on the color) and making Margharitas. She shows off her first ever jazz CD and Ray skids off to his album rack mumbling, "no no no." She's gotta hear that on vinyl. Carrie wants him to stand still and talk to her. Just hang and talk. He thinks she's trying to define the relationship but she's just trying to have a conversation. He goes from blending drinks to looking for an album to standing still for a second to grabbing a trombone to flitting into the kitchen to make canned corn in under a minute. At first I thought he was on coke. He wasn't spontaneous and thrilling, he had A.D.D. Carrie thought she had to end it but decides to do what they do best and asks him to play her and it's bass time again.
Charlotte's in bed, waiting for Trey to ask her to move back in and he is struggling with a question and he's just gonna say it. Next time he's hard, would she consider measuring his John Thomas? Oooooo boy. Charlotte gets out of bed to take a shower. Poor Trey. He knows that it's juvenile but he's never seen himself like this before. Honestly, it was awful. All this work to get him to open up and realize his sex potential and she rejects him in the clutch. As far as Charlotte's concerned, a penis is running her life.
The more Charlotte thinks about it in the shower, the more enraged she becomes. She flies out of the shower dripping wet, soap still in her hair, mascara running down her face and wakes Trey up. "TREY! I'm tired of being married to your penis. I'm a person! And this is supposed to be a relationship! And I am DONE walking on eggshells. Ooooooo, don't talk about moving in, in front of the penis. Cause it might go soft. And, and the penis likes this and the penis doesn't like that and THE PENIS WANTS TO BE MEASURED!" She tells him to shove their marriage up his ass, hopes he and his penis have a lovely night and she's gone.
Miranda, still picking on the chocolate cake gets fed up and dumps it in the trash. A few seconds later, she creeps around the kitchen door and pulls some out of the garbage. The need to confess overwhelms her and she leaves a message on Carrie's machine about what she's just done in case she needs this information to check her into the Betty Crocker clinic. Then she dumps half a bottle of dishwashing soap into the garbage to cover it up and save herself. Miranda's been substituting chocolate for sex so she says hello to her vibrator and the strike is over.
And now for television history. As Samantha nears the end of her vaginal tutorial, Maria screams, Samantha's face floating through her spread thighs and blammo, something shoots out of Maria and all over Samantha's face. The elusive female ejaculation. I was out to dinner with some of the local lesbians in my community the night after this episode aired. All of sudden, one of them asks if anyone saw Sex & The City last night. I found myself surround by evil grins and sheepish, whispered, "mmm hmmms." They wouldn't even talk about it! Like it's some defcon-4 secret or something. So Samantha got the relationship and the sex.
Next morning in bed with Ray, he rolls out to get them some water. While he's gone, Carrie decides that she'll appreciate him for what he is; mind-blowing sex boy. That is until the sounds of a banjo come wafting into the room. Carrie wraps a sheet around her (she's such a pro at this) and goes into the living room to investigate. Sure as shit, Ray sits naked on the couch and he's playing the banjo. Carrie can't get a word out of him. She feels that he stopped playing her and moved on to the next instrument. Enough of this. She gets dressed and bails.
Charlotte opens the door to find a very apologetic Trey on the other side. Trey's melancholy, Scottish, theme music plays in the background. He's there to return her wedding ring, she left it behind in her rage. He gets right to the point. She should move back in with him. Wake up with him everyday and be his wife. He talked it over with his penis and they both agree. Big smile. He doesn't want to lose her again and proposes for the second time. Charlotte says yes and they seal it with a soul-soothing kiss.
Here's the thing. I've viewed Charlotte as a misguided innocent trapped in the wrong time, covered in self-induced restrictions all along. But here's someone who wanted something that she believed in, a feat in and of itself. She suffered and worked hard for it and even when she could have had a taste of it, didn't settle and let it slip away. Trey has a good heart and his intentions come from love but he had some SERIOUS blockage. Charlotte helped heal a broken man. I thought this scene would gross me out. I've been eating this kind of prince charming propaganda for as long as I can remember. To my surprise it didn't. It's not for all of us, but it works for them. And I love that they found each other and what they've done together.
Walking home in the morning from A.D.D. (another dating disaster) Carrie wonders if mind-blowing sex obliterates the chance for a relationship. She wants to find both and prefers a melody that she can sing to.
Patty Opinion: Before we even faded to black, my
phone was ringing.
Patty: WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT!?
Me: Female ejaculation, why?
Patty: You've done that?!
Me: Heeeeeeell no, I saw it in a porn flick once and
judging by the close-up, it was real.
Me: Yeah, it's that whole G-spot thing, remember?
Patty: Hmmmm, yeah. Do you know anyone who's done that?
Me: Two straight women and a whole lotta lesbians.
Patty: Shit I have GOT to do that before I drop dead!
But I gotta tell ya...
Me: What's the matter?
Patty: I dunno, I think I'm kinda grossed out, I
Me: Maybe because it reminds you of the way a guy
gets off, which is ironic because if that's the case, you
should be a lesbian.
Patty: Fuck you.
Charlotte: I don't think she's a lesbian, I think she just ran out of men.
Miranda: Can't you bring it up?
Charlotte: Noooo! We finally got the penis working. I don't wanna scare it!
Miranda: Yeah a finger is more like a third of dick so technically Maria has three and a third dicks.
Charlotte: TREY! I'm tired of being married to your penis. I'm a person! And this is supposed to be a relationship! And I am DONE walking on eggshells. Ooooooo, don't talk about moving in, in front of the penis. Cause it might go soft. And, and the penis likes this and the penis doesn't like that and THE PENIS WANTS TO BE MEASURED!