In a relationship, when does the art of compromise become compromising?

Welp, let me just preface this review with the following observation: It's becoming impossible for me to find any redeeming qualities in the character of Carrie Bradshaw besides the selective loyalty she bestows upon her friends when it's convenient. Which troubles me on another level since I've discovered the metaphysical (and sometimes psychological) theory that what we find abhorrent in other people is most likely a reflection of our own behavior. So here I go again feeling grateful to the character for holding up the ugly mirror but simultaneously thinking of her as a selfish, vacuous, helpless uber-bitch.

We open with Carrie waxing on the difference between city people who think the world revolves around New York and casual city people who strive to get away when they can. Aidan is over and he shows her before and after pictures of his rustic cabin in the woods. It's hard to tell them apart. Carrie puts on a faux-enthusiastic act which prompts Aidan to invite her to come up with him next week. She can't because she's got an editor's meeting. Aidan informs her that it's only forty minutes away so she can stay with him the entire week and just drive back to the city for her meeting. He sings a little mountain ditty in a perfect Lil' Abner twang to convince her. Carrie tries to tell him that she's a "bonafied city girl." She goes to late night movies in the middle of the week and she's just so crazy but Aidan wants her there with him.

Just then the buzzer rings. Carrie tries to snake out of the conversation saying that she has to go downstairs to meet Miranda who announces through the speaker that she's coming up. Miranda asks Aidan to tell his "little friend Steve" to call his insurance company. Apparently they think she's still his "in-case-of-emergency-person" so he needs to update all that. Aidan will do that for her but he knows that Steve wants to talk to her about some stuff. Miranda wants to know what and projects that it maybe he wants to talk to her because "The Jessica" is gone or that Steve is still in love with her and wants her back. Aidan shuts her up with the truth; Steve has testicular cancer. Miranda retorts with, "Or that I'm a horrible selfish bitch?"

"Several blocks south," Trey walks into the bedroom to find Charlotte doing her fertility dance also known as ovulation exercises. This of course gets the new and improved Trey all heated up. He leaps onto the bed and pins her but she stops him while looking at her fertility watch. Charlotte won't be ovulating again for five days. Trey figures that means they have five days to practice. No, no, no you recently acquired hound-dawg! Charlotte wants him to save his juices until they're at their most powerful. He whines, "Darling, I'm juicy now!" She apologizes but after trying for three months she wants it to work, can't this wait until Saturday? Trey reminds her that they've already promised to visit and stay at his mother's house (oh yay, more Bunny). Charlotte wants to stay home and work on the baby but Bunny will be devastated if they miss the orchid show. Oh well then they'll just have to have sex at his mother's house. Trey says, "People having sex in Connecticut? There's a first time for everything."

Charlotte meets up with Steve for lunch in the park to discuss the cancer. He's got a very lackadaisical attitude towards the whole thing and I don't blame him. How scary is this? Miranda looked it up on the net and asks him all sorts of questions. Is he in stage one, did he have a cat scan, etc. It turns out that the doctor poked around and made him cough a few times. Miranda gives him the hands and then whips out a specialist's business card. She talked to a few guys in the office which makes Steve all squirmy. Not to worry, she used a pseudonym. She gives him the business card and Steve tells her that she doesn't have to do anything, it's no big deal. Miranda loses it. It is a big deal, this isn't his crazy yellow toe nail, it's CANCER! The longer he waits the worse it's gonna get. Even while they're having this conversation it could spread and he could die. It's a big fucking deal. All the color runs out of Steve's face.

At the tribunal coffee shop, Miranda confesses that she yelled at Steve and made him cry. Charlotte tries to make her feel better by bringing up the recent death of her mother. It might be residual anger all pent up inside. Miranda thinks maybe she's right, but mostly Steve was pissing her off. Samantha thinks that it sounds like he needed a good kick in the ass and that's exactly what Miranda gave him. Carrie thinks that what she really needs is a nice relaxing weekend with her at Aidan's country house. What the hell was that? Okay I warned you didn't I? In the first paragraph up there that I'm having a big problem with Carrie lately?! Miranda is suffering and questioning herself and her love of a friend thinking that she hurt him by trying to help him which is THE hardest thing in the universe to do but comes with the deeming yourself as the sacred title "friend" package. And what does Carrie do? Was she seriously concerned for Miranda's welfare and realized that she happened to have something that she might need OR did she capitalize on the sudden opportunity in order to serve her own selfish need of being bored outside of her element? Is it me or does this reek of psychological vampirism?

This changes the subject immediately over to whether or not Carrie is really going to the country with Aidan. If they mean being kidnapped and taken against her will then yes, she's going. Miranda can't go because she has to stay in town for Steve. Charlotte can't go because she has obligatory plans to stay at the "MacDougal Connecticut Compound" all weekend. Samantha sheepishly lowers her head and fiercely concentrates on her coffee. Carrie begs her. It'll be like they're living in Paris and running off to Provence for the weekend. Samantha wants to know what's the deal with weekends now. Every guy that she's fucked since Memorial Day wants to know what she's doing this weekend. Her weekends are for meeting new guys so she doesn't have to keep fucking the old ones. Carrie guesses that's a no and she's right, Samantha's not going. She whines that she'll just have to brave the wilderness alone. Charlotte reminds her that she'll be there with Aidan. Carrie figures she's right. She loves Aidan, Aidan loves the country so maybe she'll love the country too. Miranda doesn't like that. Does Carrie have to like the country just because Aidan does? That you have to become someone else to be in a relationship? Carrie believes that the word she's looking for is compromise. Charlotte agrees. Trey loves golf so she's taking golf lessons. Trey loves Bunny so she's ovulating at the orchid show. Samantha wonders what town Carrie's going bush in for the weekend and ironically it's Suffern.

Aidan, Pete and Carrie roll up on the still under construction cabin and it's right in the middle of some seriously dense woods. Personally, I love the woods. If it's got a tree in it, I'm there but I also love a vibrant, artistic, diverse, cultural, clean city. The truck stops, Pete and Aidan enthusiastically leap out while Carrie sits transfixed and horrified. When they hit the steep steps that lead to the front door, Aidan points out that there's a lake right over there, about a mile away. Carrie battles with her skirt, soil on her high heels and a boatload of extraneous luggage on the climb up. Atta girl! I've always admired adaptability in a person.

The 1874 floors are original, the plumbing is 1974 and still needs some work but Aidan did manage to put in a water heater all by himself. He asks her if it's as scary as she thought it would be. She lies and says no while thinking, "Scarier." Then she gets tongue-tied and can't say a thing while plastering on a wretched fake smile. Aidan goes into the other room to get the luggage out of the way. Carrie takes the time to assess her situation. She dabs on some lip gloss, reminisces about all the shopping and cocktails she could be experiencing back home and slowly turns around. She spies a squirrel sitting on the ledge of the kitchen window. Yeah I know, did you really need to know that seemingly boring episodic detail? Yes you did. Why? Because Carrie has a fucking cow when she sees it. She screams at the top of her lungs, oh-my-godding like a tent meeting preacher man until Aidan comes running into the room. She warns him about the big, ferocious squirrel only to find out that the squirrel is his. He's been putting nuts out hoping it would come around and they could be friends. Carrie insists that you can't be friends with a squirrel. They're just rats with better outfits. Note to self: Don't live in a city for too long, you'll turn into a complete idiot.

Carrie asks Aidan if there are anymore wild kingdom surprises that she might need to know about. Aidan rolls his eyes back in his head, howls and carries her into the bedroom. By 8:30 the sex is over and Carrie's bored as expected. There's no phone or t.v. but plenty of mosquitoes and vodka punch drinkies. She whips out her laptop to pass the time.

"Meanwhile, back at the center of the civilized world," Samantha has an ass spanking finale with her guy du jour. No sooner does she flop down on the bed when he asks her what she's doing next weekend. She scrambles off the bed and throws his pants in his face. Translation: GET OUT!

Miranda has Steve over to make up for the tough love indictment at the park the other day. She's got all of Steve's favorite things at the ready: Beer, Chinese food and a Kung Fu movie. Then she offers him the last spring roll and remembers that she forgot to make tea. She offers to race into the kitchen to prepare some when Steve puts his shoes on and says that he's outta here. He has no desire to stick around and be treated like the cancer patient. Miranda doesn't get it. Apparently, she's notorious for devouring all the spring rolls, he's lucky if he even sees a spring roll in her presence. Miranda apologizes. She just wanted to make up for being such a bitch in the park when he needed a shoulder to cry on. Steve says, "Thank God." He got a new doctor, scheduled his operation and his insurance is gonna cover it. He thanks her for being a huge bitch. This is artistic. I love being surprised. In the previews last week all they showed was where Miranda asked Aidan if Steve was still in love with her and then flash over to Steve saying the huge bitch thing. I had no idea it was a compliment and that's exactly the way the creators wanted it to be, unpredictable. Steve eats the spring roll and decides to stay.

The next day in Bunny's orchid greenhouse we learn that the orchids have replaced her grown children. Charlotte compliments her in the best way she can. She's suffering her own private hell. She can't keep her eyes off of the fertility watch on her wrist. Bunny gives her a magnificent orchid as a gift. A gift in return for her future grandchild. Bunny wasn't supposed to know that but Trey told her. She's so looking forward to a wee MacDougal to carry on the family name. Charlotte manages to keep her wince down to a minimum.

Carrie drives Aidan's truck to Hohokus to get cell service. Since when has she had a cell phone? What was that whine-fest about last night then? She could have called somebody to help alleviate her princess bout of boredom. While on the phone with Charlotte, she stops at a fast food drive-thru and orders a cheese burger, fries and a Cosmopolitan. She changes that to a strawberry shake when the guy doesn't understand. To make her stay in the country worse, there's no water in the cabin so Aidan has to fix the pipes all day. The whine-fest continues as Carrie tells Charlotte that there's no food in the country unless you cook it and she's in no mood for Bisquick. Poor baby. Charlotte compares it to her private hell of Bunny picking out schools and names for a child that she isn't even pregnant with yet. Bunny wouldn't even let the cook put shrimp in her omelette that morning. Carrie drools at the thought of a cook and asks Charlotte how far apart their countries are. Charlotte advises her to try harder. Try to get into it with Aidan. Carrie whines, "Oh all right."

So she tries. Carrie finds Aidan dragging large beams of wood up a slight hill. She dons worn out overalls and rubber boots and tells him that she's going to help. He's got the top of the beam so she squats down at the bottom of the incline to grab the other end. As Carrie lifts it up, she falls flat on her ass in the surrounding mud pool. She does this five times. The background music and the sweet smile on Aidan's face suggest that this scene is supposed to be true slapstick, but it wasn't and I'll tell you why. Every time Carrie falls she gets more and more grossed out and pissed off. They could have had such a great time slinging mud at each other, rolling around in it until they got exhausted, a shower and then sex not necessarily in that order. It would have been perfect.

Do you remember when she met up with Big at the park to have lunch last season (I think)? She was very nervous and when he leaned in to kiss her hello, they both fell in the scummy water. Carrie let out her patented scream. Her hair, clothes, makeup and purse were completely scummed up by the nasty swill of New York AND something slimy and unseen touched her foot and made her scream even louder. BUT when she and Big surfaced, they were hysterical. They both had a great sense of humor about it all and the shared experience brought them closer together. So what's the difference between the horrors of the unseen scum water and the mud at Aidan's cabin? I have no idea. If anyone knows, please tell me.

Covered in mud, Carrie finally gives up and tells Aidan that she has to take several showers and get ready for the editor meeting in the city. She is not pleased.

"Four hours later I kissed Aidan goodbye, kicked the mud off my boots and had a New York steak with my New York ex." She couldn't wait. I mean what is this? Is Aidan's sole purpose in her life simply to prove that she doesn't need or want Big?! It sure seems that way. When something has gone wrong in her eyes with Aidan, what's the first thing she does? Have dinner with Big. Why not hang out with the girls? It's suspect.

Carrie tells Big how the nature thing is so unnatural for her. Yeah no kidding. She launches into an "I love Aidan and there's no one else in the world that I would rather be with" diatribe but then stops herself when she notices Big's eyebrow raise. She wants to know if it's okay with Big if she talks like this. He sips from his snifter and assures her that it's fine. She really appreciates that she can tell him these things (not that THEY can talk about these things). Oh and by the way, if he ever meets someone and wants to tell her...

Big cuts her off. He met someone. He'll tell her who but she has to promise not to tell anyone. Carrie wonders if it's his imaginary girlfriend. That's insult number one. Big's seeing Willow Summers, the actress. Carrie defines her as a movie star, not an actress. That's insult number two. BUT, this is one distinction that I TOTALLY agree with. There's a huge difference. Movie star = box office dollars; Actor = a talent to work the craft. BUT again, I would keep that opinion to myself since he's telling me about someone who he's just met and if we're truly friends, then why would I want to hurt him with my opinion without even knowing her? Now I know that Big has done the same thing to Carrie's bed choices in the past. He insulted Aidan and he insulted the Jazz guy every chance he got. I would have liked to think that Carrie was capable of rising above that shit but apparently not. She's making damn sure that she and Big are made for each other by following his lead.

Big thinks Willow was real good in that "spy girl movie." Carrie doesn't know about that but she does know that she wears all the wrong things on the red carpet. Insult number three. Carrie wants to know how he met her. Willow came up to Big at her premiere and asked for a light and said that she has two vices; smoking and green-eyed men. Carrie sarcastically deems her a smoothy. Insult number four. Big continues with pantomime hand gestures. They had a few drinks, went up to her hotel, dress came off, red panties, kept her heels on, lifted her up, put her on the bed and Carrie gives him the hand and tells him to stop. She looks at her watch and praises herself for lasting 30 seconds.

This is a very interesting exchange. I did find Big's telling disconcerting at first but then I realized what's the difference between his story telling and Samantha's? Carrie didn't fuck Samantha and therefore doesn't have any designs on her. Is that what this is? Why can't Carrie handle him talking about his liaisons? Yes, he did seem a bit taken aback by Carrie's Aidan diatribe but he didn't tell her to stop. I wouldn't blame Big at all if he was being nastier than usual due to Carrie's incessant insults, but if that's what happened here there's a chance that big was quietly lashing out and didn't even realize what he was doing.

Carrie tries to change the subject but big confesses that he can't get Willow out of his head because he knows that she's crazy about him. He's freaked by the idea that Willow Summers is crazy about him. Carrie says, "Well someone's crazy." Insult number five. But Big isn't fazed because he's not kidding. When he walked home from her hotel (Carrie can't believe that he walked) he realized that there was something there, a connection. Carrie says, "Yeah the green-eyed, red pantied connection." Insult number six. At that moment Big says, "fuck" and it hits him. He thinks he's in love. Carrie looks livid. I DON'T GET IT! It's okay for her to supposedly love Aidan, what is that? Why does she always have to be so damn torturous? She needs to either stop torturing herself and Big while crying friendship OR stop torturing Aidan and dump him!

After her Big dinner, Carrie walks home and passes a movie poster of Willow Summers. (Note to the costume designers: I am by no means a designer or own a single piece of clothing worthy enough for the show but what the hell were you thinking about that green skirt with the, I dunno, bunny tail on the back? The skirt was gorgeous by itself. It looked ridiculous like someone had stuck it on with a stapler.) Carrie can't figure out what's worse, being in the country or being in the city listening to Big talk about his Willow. So she decides it's time to get back to the country but this time she's dragging Samantha with her.

Back at the cabin, Samantha cools herself with a handheld fan while Carrie attempts to make a pie but there's no milk. When Samantha finds out that there's no air conditioning she demands to know when the next train leaves. She was dragged up here under false pretenses, a.k.a. Carrie lied surprise surprise. Samantha is miserable but Carrie blatantly admits that she's there to entertain her. Friends do that for each other. It's scary because when someone is that self-serving, there's usually a cathartic, character-building lesson right around the corner and at this rate, I'm afraid for her.

Carrie hypocritically tries to convince Samantha that the cabin is just perfect with all of the things that didn't impress her when she first arrived. Aidan comes into the kitchen thanking Carrie for the compliment he just overheard. He wonders if it's him or is it hot in here. Samantha assures him that it's not him. Carrie remembers that she preheated the oven. Samantha gets up and plops down by the window. She wonders if it could get any hotter when she spies a "farmer with delts" riding a tractor outside. Aidan informs them that he's Luke Gilmore, came out here from the city after the last big market crash. Samantha ties her shirt up to expose maximum flesh, grabs the measuring cup and says, "Honey, if we're gonna bake us a pie, we're gonna need us some milk" and she's off.

Samantha braves a barn floor covered in hay in her high heels and it's pathetic. She asks "Yum MacDonald" for some milk. He points to a cow and tells her to help herself. As she stumbles over to the cow he asks her if she's from the city. She lies and tells him yes but only until she can afford a little farm of her own. Luke asks her if she ever milked a cow before. She says no but after spying the cylindrical nipples she thinks she'd be very good at it. He sits down next to her and explains the "squeeze and roll" milking technique. On her second attempt, Samantha squirts the milk all over her face and says, "I usually get a little warning before that happens." She recovers quite nicely by suggesting that it probably takes practice and asks him if there's anything else around here that needs milking.

Back at the Bunny Compound, Charlotte's electronically screaming ovaries go bezerker. She rushes into the bedroom, starts to strip off her tennis outfit and calls out for Trey. He's in the bathroom. Through the door she tells him to hurry up and get out there, it's time, she's ovulating, get into this bed and make love to her now. Impatient, she charges into the bathroom to find Trey taking a bath with Bunny sitting on a bench beside him. Charlotte ducks out of the bathroom without another word, clearly weirded out.

Eventually Trey gets dressed and finds Charlotte stabbing the shit out of some soil with a garden tool in the orchid house. She lets him know that that was totally inappropriate mother/son bath behavior. His mother was watching him take a bath! Trey clarifies that she wasn't watching him, they were having a conversation while he was bathing. Charlotte makes it known that regardless of how he was raised, there's no way that she's gonna be that kind of mother. Trey steps in close and holds her hands. He tells her that he was raise by a woman named Eva Neal. She was his nanny. He doesn't remember ever seeing his mother except after her tennis lesson and before the cocktail hour when she would draw him a bath and tell him how she spent her day. So Trey has always known that Charlotte could never be that kind of mother and he wouldn't have it any other way. Charlotte's fuck watch bleats and the new and improved Trey gets crazy and wrestles with his pants. Charlotte tries to hold him back to get him to wait so she can get in the right position, legs up but he's already on the mount. They finally collide and agitate Bunny's prize orchid into a pile of moosh on the greenhouse floor.

Back in New York, Miranda sits patiently by Steve's beside waiting for him to wake up post-op. She talked to the doctor and everything is okay down there although she told him that she's seen better. Steve laughs and it hurts. The nurse comes in and tells Miranda that she has to leave. Miranda doesn't think so and very nicely informs her that she's Steve's "in-case-of-emergency-person." Steve tells her that it's okay if she wants to leave. Miranda tells him to shut up or she's gonna give him a sponge bath. The nurse gives her another 20 minutes. Miranda feeds him juice and smiles at the task.

Samantha and Yum MacDonald scorch up the hay in the barn. They hit the floor when it's over and he says, "That was good." Samantha says, "You're a man of few words but they're all the right ones." Then he asks her what she's doing next weekend and she tears ass the hell outta there.

Back in the cabin, little miss pseudo farm girl (hair unstyled, tied up shirt, no makeup, shorts, towel tucked into beltloops as apron and high heels) is thrilled to have successfully baked a pie crust. She whips it out of the oven to show Aidan. He's not really impressed. But he doesn't understand, this is the first thing she's ever made in a kitchen besides a mess. Carrie wants him to help her peel apples but he just wants to take a shower. She whines that he's been outside all day and she's been cooped up in here. It would be fun if they did it together. Aidan smiles and wipes his hands for the task. UNTIL... the squirrel is back on the window sill and Carrie loses her shit again. She screams, drop the pie tin which destroys it, backs up into the scalding, still open, oven door and burns the back of her legs. All Aidan can do is scream, "IT'S JUST A SQUIRREL!" Bravo. Carrie goes into a full-on brat attack. She hates that squirrel, kicks the oven door closed, hates the oven and hates... Aidan wants her to just say it, she hates the house. Yes, she says she hates the house. She doesn't know where anything goes and she burned her legs. Yawn.

Aidan puts her up on the counter and rubs ice on the burns. Carrie apologizes, she doesn't hate the house but she does hate the squirrel. Aidan says that the squirrel ain't so bad and the house will get better. Carrie offers that she'll just come up on the weekends. Aidan agrees and suggests every other weekend. Carrie doesn't like that and says that she doesn't have to come at all while pulling his hair and smiling. Aidan kisses her, she says weekends are good and they do it on the counter in the kitchen.

"One slow train ride and two fast food apple pies later" Carrie and Samantha hail a cab. Samantha finds the McDonald's pie surprisingly delicious. Carrie wonders why anyone would make one when you can buy one so delicious and individually sized. Carrie picks a piece of hay out of Samantha's hair who states that she's never leaving this city again. Carrie says that the country's starting to look really good right now. Samantha asks if she's going back next weekend. Carrie says not next weekend so Samantha asks when and Carrie doesn't answer. She narrates that Aidan gets air conditioning and the more time she spent in Suffern, the more she realized that city girls are just country girls with cuter outfits. Hey Carrie ya know what? Fuck you.

I don't normally include next week's previews inside of this week's reviews, they're usually reserved for the S&TC homepage but due to the Patty Opinion conversation that followed, I have to include some of them.

Patty Opinion: Carrie states the question, "Are Men Just Women with Balls." Flash over to Carrie at the cabin ever so innocently and biting her lip thinking she's so damn cute tells Aidan "I invited him up." What? Aidan, very freaked out says, "I don't want him in my house!" WHAT!? And Carrie says, "He's really hurting." DOUBLE WHAT!? Flash to Big, dressed and feeling down, smoking a cigarette in a car with trees in the background. My phone rang. I picked it up and in unison, Patty and I screamed, "IS SHE OUT OF HER FUCKING MIND!?!?!?" Turns out I wasn't alone in my Carrie opinions from the show and now it's cemented for both of us. We can't stand her and we've had enough.<

Trey trying to have sex with Charlotte who wants him to conserve his juices for impending ovulation: Darling, I'm juicy now!

Trey: People having sex in Connecticut? There's a first time for everything.

Samantha: What is it with the weekends now? I swear to God every guy I've fucked since Memorial Day wants to know what I'm doing this weekend. They just don't get it. My weekends are for meeting new guys so I don't have to keep fucking the old ones.

Samantha while milking a cow and squirting herself in the face: I usually get a little warning before that happens.