Are we there yet?

Carrie's runs through the city to meet Miranda. She apologizes for being ten minutes late. No biggie, Miranda's three weeks late. She's pregnant. A homeless guy asks them for change. Carrie coughs up the dough and they try to continue their conversation but they don't get away without the homeless guy commenting on their good looks and how they'd both make some man very happy one day.

Carrie questions the results but Miranda's sure. She took three tests and just came from her doctor. Carrie didn't know that Miranda was having sex. She's not "having" sex, she "had" sex. One time with Steve. It was a mercy fuck. Looks like one time was all they needed. Miranda feels like an idiot. Apparently the now deceased ball was purely ornamental. Miranda wonders why she didn't use a condom. She has a lazy ovary so what are the odds of getting knocked-up by a guy with one nut? It's like the special olympics of conception.

[WRITERLY INTERRUPTION: Um excuse me official show people? Are you out of your fucking minds!? The only reason that Miranda and Carrie occasionally use condoms is to prevent pregnancy? In the A.I.D.S. capital of the universe!? WHATever.]

Carrie asks if Miranda's going to tell Steve. No she's not because she's not going to have it. Miranda asks Carrie if that's okay. Carrie asks her the same question right back. No feedback, no talking it through. Why is she so damn oblivious? Miranda needs to confide and Carrie drops the ball.

Meanwhile, Charlotte bugs out because her period showed up again. She slams a box of tampons down on the table at the coffee shop upon arrival. Charlotte's goes on a rant about never getting pregnant. All Carrie can do (loyal, poker-faced, covert ops aficionado that she is) is do winky winky eye games at Miranda. Carrie tries to soothe Charlotte by insisting that she will get pregnant. Charlotte doesn't buy it due to the stats: a 35 year old woman only has a 30% chance of getting pregnant and the numbers just go down from there. Samantha finds it hard to believe, since airplanes are full of crying children. Charlotte counters that this is not a laughing matter. Carrie dons her grand-master-censor hat and basically tells everybody to shut up. I can't wait for the day that Samantha tells her to fuck off and shuts her shuttin' up.

Charlotte fears that the problem lies with her since Trey checked out alrighty. Still ranting, she points out how many positions they've tried and the 73 times that she and Trey didn't used condoms. The number perks up Samantha who suddenly shows signs of interest in the conversation. Charlotte spent her twenties hung up about getting pregnant. In retrospect, she should have screwed everything in sight. Samantha says, "Coulda, woulda, shoulda." Charlotte sarcastically says that she should have been so lucky as to get pregnant by mistake. Which makes our discrete keeper of knowledge sieve glare even louder at Miranda. Charlotte notices and mistakenly asks Miranda what all the eyes are about. She accuses Miranda of thinking that she's pathetic. Carrie decides to coyly assure Charlotte that it's not about her. Nice going Carrie. Miranda is now cornered and can't think of a worse time to divulge but she does. She's pregnant. The girls freeze and Miranda remembers to mention that the father is Steve. Samantha sympathetically asks, "Mercy fuck?" Miranda nods. Charlotte doesn't think it's fair, Steve only has one ball. Charlotte asks Miranda how she could do this to her. Shocked, Miranda says, "To you!?" Carrie's still got her censor hat stapled on and begs Miranda to stop. Stop what!? Oh my God what a fucking asshole I swear if I was at that table I would have stabbed Carrie with my fork! She made DAMN sure that this all came out and as soon as everyone starts to react to her creation, she shuts them up. What is that? She's trying to control something that she herself can not control?!

Samantha asks the important question: What is she gonna do? Miranda definitively nods her head around which makes Samantha nod in silent agreement. Angrily, Charlotte tells (more than asks) Miranda that she's not going to even consider having the baby. It's just not in Miranda's plans right now and she feels really uncomfortable talking to Charlotte about this. Charlotte grabs her tampons and leaves them to their "abortion talk." This of course devastates Miranda. Carrie pulls more passive-aggressive, dysfunctional advice out of her ass by telling Miranda that Charlotte didn't mean it. She's just obsessed with babies right now.

The abortion discussion ensues. Samantha warns Miranda not to fall prey to Charlotte's judgment, not to label herself. This is a bad situation but it happens. They've all been there. Well, not Miranda. Samantha's had two and asks Carrie for her number. One. Samantha remembers the guy; a waiter from "TGI Fridays." Carrie is most disturbed that Samantha would even think that the guy she had an abortion from worked at a TGI Fridays. He was a waiter at "The Saloon" thank you very much and by the way it was a very happening place in the 80s. (I wish you could see my face right now.)

Later on at her apartment, Carrie struggles to get dressed for a night out with Aidan. He wants her to hurry up. But see she can't go any faster because she's DYING to tell him about Miranda and Steve. But she won't. She'll use her bra, curly blonde hair to hide behind and bare tummy to GET Aidan to beg her to tell him. That way it's not her fault. Aidan bites the apple and Carrie makes him swear on a Chanel jacket that he doesn't tell anyone. Hand up, Aidan swears. The look in Carrie's eyes at this moment reminds me of a Dracula feeding scene. She can't wait to infect Aidan with her information. Being the accomplished tease that she is, Carrie divulges that Miranda is pregnant, is going to have an abortion and how upset Charlotte is. Aidan hugs her and wonders if Miranda can just give the kid to Charlotte. Carrie gets snotty and says no, it's not like a sweater. Aidan sighs and asks her who the guy is. Carrie does a few more swoopy moves around her closet, plays with her hair and I swear I can see drool in the corner of her mouth. She says that this is the reason why he can't tell anyone. It's Steve and he doesn't know. Aidan is horrified. He screams, "Oh c'mon!" Carrie's cabbage brain doesn't get it. Aidan feels like she just trapped him. Carrie apologizes but says that she had to tell him. It's all she can think about and she can't even pick out a shoe to wear. Aidan doesn't think that it's fair for Steve not to have a say. The guy get's the shit end of the stick. Carrie just shakes her head saying "I dunno, it's a tough situation" like a Stepford wife. She drops bombs on everyone and runs for cover, oblivious. Aidan drops his head which I hope is a sign of realization that he's in love with a cabbage. He asks her if she's had one. She lies and says no, God no.

Samantha and Carrie window shop. Samantha wants a large, red, leather Hermes "Burken" bag that costs $4,000 for status symbol purposes. Carrie tells her that she's going with Miranda for the abortion. Samantha's relieved. She remembers how awful it was to be alone when she had it done. Carrie wonders why she didn't ask someone to go with her. Because it's not the kind of thing you list on the dorm activity board. This prompts Carrie to confess that she lied to Aidan about having one. Carrie thinks that Aidan seemed relieved, as if he needed to think of her in a certain way. Samantha corrects her by wondering if it's Carrie who needs to think of herself in a certain way. Carrie also admits that she never told the guy. Samantha warns her not to go down that road. Did she really want to have a baby with a guy who serves food on rollerskates? Carrie realizes that she could have had a 13 year old child by now. Samantha can't picture it. Carrie feels that she should have told Aidan. Samantha says, "Aaaaaah, coulda, would, shoulda."

Samantha has a power lunch with the famous Lucy Liu who's an authentic New Yorker from Queens. Samantha can't believe it until Lucy goes into a brilliant banji bitch impression. Lucy's a big girl and looking for a P.R. person who's from New York and will tell her the truth. Her last agent who was a total liar. Samantha tells her that her last Golden Globe dress was a disaster. Lucy's shocked because she agrees with Samantha. All these queens told her it was fierce. Lucy mentions that she was a waitress and picks up the check that Samantha just signed. She's impressed by the 25% tip. Samantha wraps up her pitch with, "When I'm representing you, it's class all the way." They shake hands and cement the deal.

With Lucy Liu in her back pocket, Samantha goes to buy the Burken bag only to find out that there's a five year waiting list. She name drops Ms. Liu, mentions that she's her press rep and would love for her client to carry this bag to a premiere next week. The clerk rips the bag out of her hands and goes to call the store's press rep.

Over on Park Avenue, Charlotte makes an appointment with her doctor for fertility testing. At the same time from her office, Miranda calls to make an appointment for her abortion. She struggles with the word, calling it "procedure" instead.

"A couple of days later," Samantha spots a knock-off of the sainted Burken bag on the arm of an unfashionable woman. She whips out her cell phone faster than you can say hissey fit and calls Francesca, the Hermes' press rep. As sweetly as she can muster, Samantha barks, "Hello. Francesca? Samantha Jones. Question. How the fuck long does Lucy Liu have to wait for that Burken? Well, if they're so hard to get, maybe you can explain why I just saw a fucking nobody in a track suit carrying the exact one we want. Lucy Liu is a big, big fucking star and she wants that bag! Is Hermes french for we take our good old fucking time?" She thanks Francesca for what I guess was an apology and triumphantly snaps her cell closed.

Carrie comes home and gets the shit scared out of her when she finds Steve in her apartment. Aidan needed to take a leak while they were out playing basketball. Immediately Carrie goes into full dysfunctional overdrive. She can't speak, look or deal with Steve at all. She's dying to sing like a canary. But instead she over and under compensates her dialogue at the most inappropriate times until she can't stand still and runs into the bathroom to find Aidan. She whispers and accuses him of telling Steve because he's acting like he knows and asking about Miranda. Aidan reminds her that he always asks about Miranda. Even though he hasn't told him, Aidan doesn't agree with what Miranda is doing. Steve has a right to know. Carrie tells him basically that it's none of his business. Aidan finally tells her off. She's the one that told him, he didn't want to know about any of this in the first place. Then Carrie puts her hands over his mouth to shut him up and chases him out of the bathroom under the guise that Steve is probably listening. The censor rides again. On the way out, Aidan asks Carrie what's bugging her. She strikes a pose against the sink and pouts, "Nothing." See, now I think she's either bipolar or a total schitzo. Within the blink of an eye, she transforms from demonstrative, ridiculing bitch to pouty, misunderstood bitch. Oh the way out, Steve tells Carrie to tell Miranda that he said "hi."

Out for pizza, Miranda tells Carrie that she's on a wait list. Her regular doctor doesn't do them and cries, "No judgment!" She's waiting for another doctor because she wants to get it over with. Carrie asks her if she's given any more thought about telling Steve. No, why would she? Carrie suddenly thinks that maybe he has a right to know, no judgment! Sounds like judgment to Miranda. Carrie fesses up that she told Aidan which flips Miranda right out. Not to worry though, Carrie made him swear on Chanel. Miranda's hardly impressed, she fears he'll tell Aidan and rightly so. Carrie asks her if she'd want to know. No, she wouldn't she doesn't even want to know that it's her. Miranda asks if Carrie told her waiter boy. No she didn't because they were in their 20s, drunk and only did it one time so it was completely different. There's no way that Miranda's gonna tell Steve because he'd want her to have it.

Charlotte and Trey sit anxiously at the doctor's office who comes in reading from a chart. She says that everything is a-okay. She turns the page over and woopsy! She spoke to soon. Apparently Charlotte's blood and mucous tests show extremely elevated anti-sperm antibodies. She's got a 15% chance of conception. The doctor suggests that they not wait much longer before they explore in vitro. Charlotte is devastated.

Trey has to go back to the hospital and Charlotte decides to walk home. She suddenly spots Miranda on the street and does a 180 degree pivot on her heel hoping that she wasn't seen. Miranda saw her and calls after her. Charlotte tries to act all non-chalant but Miranda's not buying it. She saw her turn. Miranda's upset. Not only did Charlotte try to avoid her right in her face but she's also not returning her calls. Charlotte just can't handle seeing her right now. Miranda figures that she has to since she's standing right there. She tries to tell Charlotte that this entire situation is not a personal attack on her. It was a mistake. Charlotte doesn't want to talk about it. Miranda tells her that it's hard for her too and it doesn't make it any easier thinking that Charlotte hates her because she thinks that she can't get pregnant. Charlotte says that she can't. Miranda tells her that if she can, Charlotte can. Charlotte starts to cry as she confirms the bad news and shows Miranda the doctor's paperwork confirming the inevitable. Her body is attacking Trey's sperm. Charlotte asks if it's okay for her to go now. Deeply hurt for her friend, Miranda offers to walk with her. Charlotte would rather walk alone. Miranda tells her that she's going to walk a little way behind her just in case Charlotte wants to talk. Charlotte says no again and that she's okay. "Charlotte walked all the way home. And though she never turned back, she knew that Miranda was right behind her." This brilliant act of altruism is permanently carved in my brain for future possible use.

Lucy Liu shows with her brand new Burken bag in tow to meet Samantha for lunch. Some nice man dropped it off at her hotel that morning. Samantha explains that it's actually her bag and that she used Lucy's name to get it. Lucy is not pleased and by the by, the Hermes' rep called to say that her very own rep had abused her on the phone by yelling and saying fuck 12 times. Samantha denies it and tries to blame it on the faulty reception of cell phones. Lucy tells her that the only thing worse than a liar is a bad liar and that she won't be needing her services anymore. Lucy leaves with the Burken bag and when Samantha screams that it's her "fucking bag" Lucy gives her the finger. Samantha stews and says fuck about 12 more times.

Carrie decides to search out the waiter guy she had an abortion from so many years ago. He was still working at the saloon. She preps by hiding demurely behind her menu until he comes over. She does her best seductive, happy-to-see-me, "Well hello there." He responds by listing the soups of the day. She slowly reveals the details from her full name to the name of the club they were at on that fateful night. Not only does he claim that he never went to that club but he doesn't remember her. He takes her order and turns away. He stops and comes back to ask, "Was I at least smart enough to try something?" Carrie says no he was the perfect gentleman and while he gets her soup, she bails. Nice epiphany here. Carrie realizes that she made the right decision. She's in a totally different place now.

Carrie helps Miranda fill out the paperwork at the doctor's office. Miranda is terrified and asks Carrie if it hurts. Carrie says not really, just mostly unpleasant. Miranda wants to know what it's like after. Carrie says that Miranda will have to ask them and points towards the doctor's office. She's useless, utterly useless. Miranda asks her how long it was until Carrie felt back to normal who responds, "Any day now." What crap. Miranda makes the mistake of asking the vacuous log who was so nice to join her if she's doing the right thing. No idea and nope Carrie's not gonna answer. La la la la la. Samantha should have been there, not Carrie.

Miranda then has the very real conversation (with herself) about the dreaded time clock. Charlotte has only a 15% chance of getting pregnant and what if Miranda wakes up at 43 and her one semi-decent ovary gave up and she can't have kids? Carrie wonders about the 43. It's Miranda's scary age. Carrie's is 45. Miranda continues. This happened against all the odds. Her stupid egg found its way to the last three sperm Steve had left. She wonders if this is her baby and what she's waiting for. The blood starts to kick back into Carrie's cabbage and she asks Miranda if she wants to leave. She says no. She can't have a baby and could barely find the time to schedule this abortion. Just then the nurse calls her name. Miranda gets up and stares at Carrie's blank face. Standing at the crossroads she whispers, "Motherfucker" and follows the nurse in.

Later at Miranda's apartment, Samantha brings her a cup of tea. Carrie answers the knock at the door to find Charlotte bearing beautiful white flowers. She brought them hoping they'd do whatever they're supposed to do in situations like this. Charlotte asks her how she's feeling. Miranda says that she's pretty freaked out. She stares deeply into Charlotte's eyes and says that she didn't do it. She's keeping the baby. Stunned, Charlotte starts to cry and says, "We're having a baby!"

"And with that, three Aunts were born."

Carrie's late to meet Aidan at a restaurant where they lose their reservation and have to be put back on the list. There's a list for the bar as well so they decide to go outside and drink beer in a bag. Carrie decides to come clean about her only abortion. She lies a few times in the process but eventually manages to admit that she was 22, without a condom, had an abortion and never told the guy. There, she said it. She asks Aidan if he's judging her. He says that he was no angel either. Carrie asks him if he ever got anyone pregnant. He says no, or at least he doesn't think so. Carrie thinks it must be great to be a guy sometimes. She asks him if she's still his girl. He says yes and they kiss. The hostess comes out to tell them that their table is ready. Oh and by the way, Carrie tells Aidan that Miranda's keeping the baby and not to tell Steve because it's none of their business. Maybe she'll keep repeating that thought and one day she'll really believe it.

Patty Opinion: She called after the previews rolled. We both needed for the show to sink in and process. We were too emotionally wiped to even discuss the show this week but we both loved it.