Are we there yet?
Carrie's runs through the city to meet Miranda. She
apologizes for being ten minutes late. No biggie, Miranda's
three weeks late. She's pregnant. A homeless guy asks them
for change. Carrie coughs up the dough and they try to
continue their conversation but they don't get away without
the homeless guy commenting on their good looks and how
they'd both make some man very happy one day.
Carrie questions the results but Miranda's sure. She
took three tests and just came from her doctor. Carrie
didn't know that Miranda was having sex. She's not "having"
sex, she "had" sex. One time with Steve. It was a mercy
fuck. Looks like one time was all they needed. Miranda feels
like an idiot. Apparently the now deceased ball was purely
ornamental. Miranda wonders why she didn't use a condom.
She has a lazy ovary so what are the odds of getting
knocked-up by a guy with one nut? It's like the special
olympics of conception.
[WRITERLY INTERRUPTION: Um excuse me official show
people? Are you out of your fucking minds!? The only reason
that Miranda and Carrie occasionally use condoms is to
prevent pregnancy? In the A.I.D.S. capital of the universe!? WHATever.]
Carrie asks if Miranda's going to tell Steve. No she's
not because she's not going to have it. Miranda asks Carrie
if that's okay. Carrie asks her the same question right
back. No feedback, no talking it through. Why is she so
damn oblivious? Miranda needs to confide and Carrie drops
Meanwhile, Charlotte bugs out because her period showed
up again. She slams a box of tampons down on the table at
the coffee shop upon arrival. Charlotte's goes on a rant
about never getting pregnant. All Carrie can do (loyal,
poker-faced, covert ops aficionado that she is) is do winky
winky eye games at Miranda. Carrie tries to soothe Charlotte
by insisting that she will get pregnant. Charlotte doesn't
buy it due to the stats: a 35 year old woman only has a 30%
chance of getting pregnant and the numbers just go down from
there. Samantha finds it hard to believe, since airplanes
are full of crying children. Charlotte counters that this is
not a laughing matter. Carrie dons her grand-master-censor
hat and basically tells everybody to shut up. I can't wait
for the day that Samantha tells her to fuck off and shuts
her shuttin' up.
Charlotte fears that the problem lies with her since Trey
checked out alrighty. Still ranting, she points out how
many positions they've tried and the 73 times that she and
Trey didn't used condoms. The number perks up Samantha who
suddenly shows signs of interest in the conversation.
Charlotte spent her twenties hung up about getting pregnant.
In retrospect, she should have screwed everything in sight.
Samantha says, "Coulda, woulda, shoulda." Charlotte
sarcastically says that she should have been so lucky as to
get pregnant by mistake. Which makes our discrete keeper of
knowledge sieve glare even louder at Miranda. Charlotte
notices and mistakenly asks Miranda what all the eyes are
about. She accuses Miranda of thinking that she's pathetic.
Carrie decides to coyly assure Charlotte that it's not
about her. Nice going Carrie. Miranda is now cornered and
can't think of a worse time to divulge but she does. She's
pregnant. The girls freeze and Miranda remembers to mention
that the father is Steve. Samantha sympathetically asks,
"Mercy fuck?" Miranda nods. Charlotte doesn't think it's
fair, Steve only has one ball. Charlotte asks Miranda how
she could do this to her. Shocked, Miranda says, "To you!?"
Carrie's still got her censor hat stapled on and begs
Miranda to stop. Stop what!? Oh my God what a fucking
asshole I swear if I was at that table I would have stabbed
Carrie with my fork! She made DAMN sure that this all came
out and as soon as everyone starts to react to her creation,
she shuts them up. What is that? She's trying to control
something that she herself can not control?!
Samantha asks the important question: What is she gonna
do? Miranda definitively nods her head around which makes
Samantha nod in silent agreement. Angrily, Charlotte tells
(more than asks) Miranda that she's not going to even
consider having the baby. It's just not in Miranda's plans
right now and she feels really uncomfortable talking to
Charlotte about this. Charlotte grabs her tampons and
leaves them to their "abortion talk." This of course
devastates Miranda. Carrie pulls more passive-aggressive,
dysfunctional advice out of her ass by telling Miranda that
Charlotte didn't mean it. She's just obsessed with babies
The abortion discussion ensues. Samantha warns Miranda
not to fall prey to Charlotte's judgment, not to label
herself. This is a bad situation but it happens. They've all
been there. Well, not Miranda. Samantha's had two and asks
Carrie for her number. One. Samantha remembers the guy; a
waiter from "TGI Fridays." Carrie is most disturbed that
Samantha would even think that the guy she had an abortion
from worked at a TGI Fridays. He was a waiter at "The
Saloon" thank you very much and by the way it was a very
happening place in the 80s. (I wish you could see my face
Later on at her apartment, Carrie struggles to get
dressed for a night out with Aidan. He wants her to hurry
up. But see she can't go any faster because she's DYING to
tell him about Miranda and Steve. But she won't. She'll
use her bra, curly blonde hair to hide behind and bare
tummy to GET Aidan to beg her to tell him. That way it's not
her fault. Aidan bites the apple and Carrie makes him swear
on a Chanel jacket that he doesn't tell anyone. Hand up,
Aidan swears. The look in Carrie's eyes at this moment
reminds me of a Dracula feeding scene. She can't wait to
infect Aidan with her information. Being the accomplished
tease that she is, Carrie divulges that Miranda is pregnant,
is going to have an abortion and how upset Charlotte is.
Aidan hugs her and wonders if Miranda can just give the kid
to Charlotte. Carrie gets snotty and says no, it's not like
a sweater. Aidan sighs and asks her who the guy is. Carrie
does a few more swoopy moves around her closet, plays with
her hair and I swear I can see drool in the corner of her
mouth. She says that this is the reason why he can't tell
anyone. It's Steve and he doesn't know. Aidan is
horrified. He screams, "Oh c'mon!" Carrie's cabbage brain
doesn't get it. Aidan feels like she just trapped him.
Carrie apologizes but says that she had to tell him. It's
all she can think about and she can't even pick out a shoe
to wear. Aidan doesn't think that it's fair for Steve not to
have a say. The guy get's the shit end of the stick. Carrie
just shakes her head saying "I dunno, it's a tough
situation" like a Stepford wife. She drops bombs on everyone
and runs for cover, oblivious. Aidan drops his head which I
hope is a sign of realization that he's in love with a
cabbage. He asks her if she's had one. She lies and says
no, God no.
Samantha and Carrie window shop. Samantha wants a large,
red, leather Hermes "Burken" bag that costs $4,000 for
status symbol purposes. Carrie tells her that she's going
with Miranda for the abortion. Samantha's relieved. She
remembers how awful it was to be alone when she had it done.
Carrie wonders why she didn't ask someone to go with her.
Because it's not the kind of thing you list on the dorm
activity board. This prompts Carrie to confess that she lied
to Aidan about having one. Carrie thinks that Aidan seemed
relieved, as if he needed to think of her in a certain way.
Samantha corrects her by wondering if it's Carrie who needs
to think of herself in a certain way. Carrie also admits
that she never told the guy. Samantha warns her not to go
down that road. Did she really want to have a baby with a
guy who serves food on rollerskates? Carrie realizes that
she could have had a 13 year old child by now. Samantha
can't picture it. Carrie feels that she should have told
Aidan. Samantha says, "Aaaaaah, coulda, would, shoulda."
Samantha has a power lunch with the famous Lucy Liu who's an authentic New Yorker
from Queens. Samantha can't believe it until Lucy goes into
a brilliant banji bitch impression. Lucy's a big girl and
looking for a P.R. person who's from New York and will tell
her the truth. Her last agent who was a total liar. Samantha
tells her that her last Golden Globe dress was a disaster.
Lucy's shocked because she agrees with Samantha. All these
queens told her it was fierce. Lucy mentions that she was a
waitress and picks up the check that Samantha just signed.
She's impressed by the 25% tip. Samantha wraps up her pitch
with, "When I'm representing you, it's class all the way."
They shake hands and cement the deal.
With Lucy Liu in her back pocket, Samantha goes to buy
the Burken bag only to find out that there's a five year
waiting list. She name drops Ms. Liu, mentions that she's
her press rep and would love for her client to carry this
bag to a premiere next week. The clerk rips the bag out of
her hands and goes to call the store's press rep.
Over on Park Avenue, Charlotte makes an appointment with
her doctor for fertility testing. At the same time from her
office, Miranda calls to make an appointment for her
abortion. She struggles with the word, calling it
"A couple of days later," Samantha spots a knock-off of
the sainted Burken bag on the arm of an unfashionable woman.
She whips out her cell phone faster than you can say hissey
fit and calls Francesca, the Hermes' press rep. As sweetly
as she can muster, Samantha barks, "Hello. Francesca?
Samantha Jones. Question. How the fuck long does Lucy Liu
have to wait for that Burken? Well, if they're so hard to
get, maybe you can explain why I just saw a fucking nobody
in a track suit carrying the exact one we want. Lucy Liu is
a big, big fucking star and she wants that bag! Is Hermes
french for we take our good old fucking time?" She thanks
Francesca for what I guess was an apology and triumphantly
snaps her cell closed.
Carrie comes home and gets the shit scared out of her
when she finds Steve in her apartment. Aidan needed to take
a leak while they were out playing basketball. Immediately
Carrie goes into full dysfunctional overdrive. She can't
speak, look or deal with Steve at all. She's dying to sing
like a canary. But instead she over and under compensates
her dialogue at the most inappropriate times until she can't
stand still and runs into the bathroom to find Aidan. She
whispers and accuses him of telling Steve because he's
acting like he knows and asking about Miranda. Aidan
reminds her that he always asks about Miranda. Even though
he hasn't told him, Aidan doesn't agree with what Miranda is
doing. Steve has a right to know. Carrie tells him
basically that it's none of his business. Aidan finally
tells her off. She's the one that told him, he didn't want
to know about any of this in the first place. Then Carrie
puts her hands over his mouth to shut him up and chases him
out of the bathroom under the guise that Steve is probably
listening. The censor rides again. On the way out, Aidan
asks Carrie what's bugging her. She strikes a pose against
the sink and pouts, "Nothing." See, now I think she's either
bipolar or a total schitzo. Within the blink of an eye, she
transforms from demonstrative, ridiculing bitch to pouty,
misunderstood bitch. Oh the way out, Steve tells Carrie to
tell Miranda that he said "hi."
Out for pizza, Miranda tells Carrie that she's on a wait
list. Her regular doctor doesn't do them and cries, "No
judgment!" She's waiting for another doctor because she
wants to get it over with. Carrie asks her if she's given
any more thought about telling Steve. No, why would she?
Carrie suddenly thinks that maybe he has a right to know, no
judgment! Sounds like judgment to Miranda. Carrie fesses up
that she told Aidan which flips Miranda right out. Not to
worry though, Carrie made him swear on Chanel. Miranda's
hardly impressed, she fears he'll tell Aidan and rightly so.
Carrie asks her if she'd want to know. No, she wouldn't she
doesn't even want to know that it's her. Miranda asks if
Carrie told her waiter boy. No she didn't because they were
in their 20s, drunk and only did it one time so it was
completely different. There's no way that Miranda's gonna
tell Steve because he'd want her to have it.
Charlotte and Trey sit anxiously at the doctor's office
who comes in reading from a chart. She says that everything
is a-okay. She turns the page over and woopsy! She spoke to
soon. Apparently Charlotte's blood and mucous tests show
extremely elevated anti-sperm antibodies. She's got a 15%
chance of conception. The doctor suggests that they not wait
much longer before they explore in vitro. Charlotte is devastated.
Trey has to go back to the hospital and Charlotte decides
to walk home. She suddenly spots Miranda on the street and
does a 180 degree pivot on her heel hoping that she wasn't
seen. Miranda saw her and calls after her. Charlotte tries
to act all non-chalant but Miranda's not buying it. She saw
her turn. Miranda's upset. Not only did Charlotte try to
avoid her right in her face but she's also not returning her
calls. Charlotte just can't handle seeing her right now.
Miranda figures that she has to since she's standing right
there. She tries to tell Charlotte that this entire
situation is not a personal attack on her. It was a mistake.
Charlotte doesn't want to talk about it. Miranda tells her
that it's hard for her too and it doesn't make it any easier
thinking that Charlotte hates her because she thinks that
she can't get pregnant. Charlotte says that she can't.
Miranda tells her that if she can, Charlotte can. Charlotte
starts to cry as she confirms the bad news and shows Miranda
the doctor's paperwork confirming the inevitable. Her body
is attacking Trey's sperm. Charlotte asks if it's okay for
her to go now. Deeply hurt for her friend, Miranda offers to
walk with her. Charlotte would rather walk alone. Miranda
tells her that she's going to walk a little way behind her
just in case Charlotte wants to talk. Charlotte says no
again and that she's okay. "Charlotte walked all the way
home. And though she never turned back, she knew that
Miranda was right behind her." This brilliant act of
altruism is permanently carved in my brain for future
Lucy Liu shows with her brand new Burken bag in tow to
meet Samantha for lunch. Some nice man dropped it off at her
hotel that morning. Samantha explains that it's actually her
bag and that she used Lucy's name to get it. Lucy is not
pleased and by the by, the Hermes' rep called to say that
her very own rep had abused her on the phone by yelling and
saying fuck 12 times. Samantha denies it and tries to blame
it on the faulty reception of cell phones. Lucy tells her
that the only thing worse than a liar is a bad liar and that
she won't be needing her services anymore. Lucy leaves with
the Burken bag and when Samantha screams that it's her
"fucking bag" Lucy gives her the finger. Samantha stews and
says fuck about 12 more times.
Carrie decides to search out the waiter guy she had an
abortion from so many years ago. He was still working at the
saloon. She preps by hiding demurely behind her menu until
he comes over. She does her best seductive,
happy-to-see-me, "Well hello there." He responds by listing
the soups of the day. She slowly reveals the details from
her full name to the name of the club they were at on that
fateful night. Not only does he claim that he never went to
that club but he doesn't remember her. He takes her order
and turns away. He stops and comes back to ask, "Was I at
least smart enough to try something?" Carrie says no he was
the perfect gentleman and while he gets her soup, she bails.
Nice epiphany here. Carrie realizes that she made the right
decision. She's in a totally different place now.
Carrie helps Miranda fill out the paperwork at the
doctor's office. Miranda is terrified and asks Carrie if it
hurts. Carrie says not really, just mostly unpleasant.
Miranda wants to know what it's like after. Carrie says
that Miranda will have to ask them and points towards the
doctor's office. She's useless, utterly useless. Miranda
asks her how long it was until Carrie felt back to normal
who responds, "Any day now." What crap. Miranda makes the
mistake of asking the vacuous log who was so nice to join
her if she's doing the right thing. No idea and nope
Carrie's not gonna answer. La la la la la. Samantha should
have been there, not Carrie.
Miranda then has the very real conversation (with
herself) about the dreaded time clock. Charlotte has only a
15% chance of getting pregnant and what if Miranda wakes up
at 43 and her one semi-decent ovary gave up and she can't
have kids? Carrie wonders about the 43. It's Miranda's
scary age. Carrie's is 45. Miranda continues. This happened
against all the odds. Her stupid egg found its way to the
last three sperm Steve had left. She wonders if this is her
baby and what she's waiting for. The blood starts to kick
back into Carrie's cabbage and she asks Miranda if she wants
to leave. She says no. She can't have a baby and could
barely find the time to schedule this abortion. Just then
the nurse calls her name. Miranda gets up and stares at
Carrie's blank face. Standing at the crossroads she
whispers, "Motherfucker" and follows the nurse in.
Later at Miranda's apartment, Samantha brings her a cup
of tea. Carrie answers the knock at the door to find
Charlotte bearing beautiful white flowers. She brought them
hoping they'd do whatever they're supposed to do in
situations like this. Charlotte asks her how she's feeling.
Miranda says that she's pretty freaked out. She stares
deeply into Charlotte's eyes and says that she didn't do it.
She's keeping the baby. Stunned, Charlotte starts to cry
and says, "We're having a baby!"
"And with that, three Aunts were born."
Carrie's late to meet Aidan at a restaurant where they
lose their reservation and have to be put back on the list.
There's a list for the bar as well so they decide to go
outside and drink beer in a bag. Carrie decides to come
clean about her only abortion. She lies a few times in the
process but eventually manages to admit that she was 22,
without a condom, had an abortion and never told the guy.
There, she said it. She asks Aidan if he's judging her. He
says that he was no angel either. Carrie asks him if he
ever got anyone pregnant. He says no, or at least he
doesn't think so. Carrie thinks it must be great to be a guy
sometimes. She asks him if she's still his girl. He says
yes and they kiss. The hostess comes out to tell them that
their table is ready. Oh and by the way, Carrie tells Aidan
that Miranda's keeping the baby and not to tell Steve
because it's none of their business. Maybe she'll keep
repeating that thought and one day she'll really believe it.
Patty Opinion: She called after the previews
rolled. We both needed for the show to sink in and process.
We were too emotionally wiped to even discuss the show this
week but we both loved it.