Every season the X-files writers treat themselves to a little
comedy. First we had the classic "Jose Chung's
'From Outer Space," then there was "Syzygy"
and "Small Potatoes" and now we've got another stellar
episode in "Bad Blood."
"Bad Blood's" plot isn't all that important, but the story is
(stick with me here). The show opens with Mulder pursuing a chunky
red-headed kid through the backwoods of Texas. Chunk isn't the fastest
greyhound in the pen and Mulder catches up with him easily. Instead of
cuffing him, Mulder spins Chunk around, pins his arms and promptly
deposits a two-foot wooden stake into the red-head's chest. Scully
arrives just as Mulder has finished the deed and together they pry the
kid's chubby mouth open. Inside we see a pair of really-pointy
incisors and Mulder gives Scully the "See? I told you he was a
vampire" look. But Scully reaches into that nasty little mouth and
prys the teeth off -- revealing nothing more than a cheap halloween
accessory. Mulder then utters the first Official X-Files Swear (sorta)
and things really don't look all that good for the feds.
Back in D.C. Mulder tries to assemble a story before his official
briefing with Skinner, but he's got more to worry about than losing
his job and facing murder charges: relatives of Chunk (aka Ronny) are
suing the government for $446 million. Cha-ching. In an effort to
cover their collective butts, Mulder and Scully decide to get their
stories straight. Scully starts:
In her version we see a hyper-kinetic Mulder flash pictures of
exsanguinated cows while rushing Scully out the door and straight to
the small town of Chaney, Tx. Once arrived, Mulder dallies around a
funeral home while Scully practices her eye-rolling, but then the
local sheriff walks in and Scully displays a rare moment of overt
libido. In her version, the sheriff also appeared ready to "snap on
But the impending nookie is given the Heisman since Scully has to
perform an autopsy and Mulder has to pursue a gut feeling regarding
shoe laces. Scully works her way through the autopsy, flinging
intestines with the grace of a starved rottweiler, and determines the
bloodless tourist was drugged before having his oil drained. He also
ate a pizza just before shuffling off this mortal coil, and this gets
Scully's digestive juices flowing.
She retires to the Davy Crockett Motor Lodge (aka The Sam Huston
Motor Court in Mulder's version) where she orders a pizza and finds a
few seconds of solace through a fifty-cent ride on her bed's magic
fingers. But Mulder busts in and demands that she perform another
autopsy on a newly-discovered bloodless tourist, which prompts Scully
to utter a line that will inevitably find it's way into sig files
everywhere: "But I just put money in the magic fingers."
The ever-dutiful Scully returns to the den of death while her
partner steals her magic finger time and eats her pizza. Suddenly she
realizes that both stiffs were drugged and both had eaten pizza as
their last supper. In typical X-files fashion, she puts it all
together in a matter of milliseconds and rushes off to save Mulder from
the Pizza of Death.
She busts down the door with the force of a howitzer, finds a
portly, red-headed pizza delivery kid with glowing eyes standing over
her incapacitated partner and fires a couple rounds directly at the
Chunky Bandit. But somehow she misses and the kid blazes out the door,
deep into the woods. Scully checks on Mulder, who emerges from his
slumber by singing "Shaft,"which leads Scully to believe he's just
fine -- so she pursues Chunk. Within seconds Mulder makes a full
recovery, throws his trenhcoat on, fashions a wooden stake from the
remains of a desk chair and races into the woods with the speed of
Michael Johnson. And so end the Scully Chronicles.
Mulder's version follows much the same path in terms of pure plot,
but there are a few noteworthy differences:
- In describing the initial cow exsanguinations, Mulder portrays
himself as a timid schoolboy, desperate for Ms. Scully's approval.
- When the sheriff first enters the funeral home Mulder only notices
his predominant buck teeth and remarkable resemblance to Gomer Pile.
- His hunch regarding untied shoes stems from an obscure,
over-arching fact about vampires: they're all obsessive compulsive.
- In the midst of discovering the second dead tourist, Mulder is
violently dragged through a parking lot by a disgruntled, run-away RV.
He surrenders this information only when severely prodded by Scully.
- Scully's eye-rolling and whining increase exponentially in any
- Mulder must endure constant verbal abuse from his partner, even
when he kindly asks her to perform another autopsy. "I do it all for
But the story doesn't end here. Just before the agents are about
to reveal their formal report to Skinner, they discover that the
previously-dead Ronny escaped from the morgue after unsuccessfully
gnawing the neck of the Medical Examiner. So it's back to Chaney they
The sheriff appears again, and Scully turns on her heartlight. In
a rare moment of intuition, Mulder suggests that Scully stake out the
cemetery with the sheriff while he checks on a suspicious RV camp. In
the midst of intently watching the cemetery and sipping coffee, the
buck-toothed law officer apologizes for Ronny's behavior. Scully
suddenly gets groggy and the sheriff's eyes begin to glow with a
dreamy phosphorescence. Her nookie is foiled yet again.
Mulder finds Ronny holed up in a coffin at the RV park, and just
as he's about to arrest the fat little bastard, the residents of the
camp rise up, get their eyes-a-glowin' and incapacitate Mulder.
The next morning, Scully finds Mulder and together they discover
that the entire town has cleared out. Fortunately they were friendly
vampires and had no intention of harming the kind-hearted FBI agents.
"Bad Blood" is a prime example of why this is the most original
show on television.
Note: This review originally appeared at Ontap.com. It's reprinted here for archival purposes.