"Love Don't Cost a Thing" (IMDb listing) is a direct remake of the 1987 teenage comedy, "Can't
Buy Me Love." "Can't Buy" was a fairly unremarkable production, but has since
moved on to cult status among 1980 teen film followers who find it hard to
resist the tepid charms of star Patrick Dempsey. "Love Don't" contemporizes the
story of a lovable loser, Alvin (Nick Cannon), who dreams of being in the cool
crowd. His chance to change his fortunes comes when the most popular girl in
school, Paris (Christina Milian), needs money quick and accepts Alvin's offer to
pretend she's his girlfriend for two weeks in exchange for cash. Now fully
accepted and rid of his nerd exterior, Alvin begins to lose sight of his friends
and himself just as Paris is coming around to actually finding him attractive.
Just like the 1987 version, the plot is nothing spectacular.
Writer/director Troy Beyer ("Let's Talk About Sex") has a lot of trouble making
anything about "Love Don't" seem fascinating, entertaining, or even bearable. She keeps pretty close to the original's structure; only making
superficial changes like a new urban setting, adding heaps of homophobia, and
the insertion of dated Ebonics into the script (variations on "fa shizzle" are
everywhere in the film). "Can't Buy" was a labored film and only found success
in small degrees with the breezy way it went about detailing its story. "Love
Don't" isn't nearly as kind. The new incarnation is an excruciating motion
picture experience that Beyer is desperate to liven up with whatever camera
techniques she can get her hands on, which explains the overuse of handheld
camerawork, low angles, and pointless use of open shutter photography in the
film's climax. In pursuing style, Beyer allows the film to die in her arms,
never focusing once on story development or performances. How do we know Alvin
is a smart kid? He hangs around with other nerds and has poor hygiene. Why does
the obscenely rich Paris need cash in the first place? Because the script is
just written that way. Beyer also stages Alvin's essential transformation from
nerd-to-popular in one measly scene. "Can't Buy" at least gave the audience a
little more than that.
Nick Cannon follows up his obscenely smug and surprisingly lauded turn in last
year's train wreck "Drumline" with his role in "Love Don't" as Alvin. Cannon has
two speeds: unreadable silence and overacting goofball. The actor ping-pongs
between the two acting styles throughout the film, making the experience even
more unpleasant than what Beyer is going for. Cannon's job is to convey Alvin's
quick journey from geek to chic, but the audience is never allowed to see
either side for very long. Cannon might be having a ball under his afro wig and
Michael Jackson impressions, but next time, he should let the audience in on the
fun too. Newcomer Christine Milian doesn't fair much better, matching Cannon's
worthless performance note for note.
"Love Don't Cost a Thing" is aided somewhat by comedian Steve Harvey's
appearance as Alvin's father, who pushes condoms and dated style advice on to
his son. While there aren't any laughs to be found, at least Harvey is trying to
put on a show, whereas the rest of the cast relies on Beyer far too much to save
the day. The title reads: "Love Don't Cost a Thing." But maybe it should read:
"Love Shouldn't Cost a Thing." Save your money for a film that deserves it.
Filmfodder Grade: D-