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XXX

  XXX
Vin Diesel flexes his man boobs.

© 2002, Revolution Studios
All Rights Reserved

Critics suggest that the James Bond series is over. They call it a tired, repetitive Cold War relic that has no place with today's appetites of the videogame lovin', Red Bull swillin', "X-Games" watchin' audiences. Well, if the alternative to the Bond franchise is "XXX" (IMDb listing), I will take the shaken-not-stirred hero over the dim-witted, tattoo-covered Xander Cage any day. "XXX" is asinine, trashy mass-entertainment aimed, like a nuclear weapon, at the lowest common denominator. If this, as the filmmakers suggest, is the Bond for the new generation, I want off this train called life right now.

Xander Cage (Vin Diesel) is an extreme sports adventurer with a criminal past. After performing a base jump off a bridge with a senator's sports car in tow, Cage is picked up by Agent Gibbons (Samuel L. Jackson), of the NSA, for training in a new covert operation looking for spies from all sorts of different backgrounds. Xander is predictably unenthusiastic about the idea, but when faced with prison time for his antics, he heads to Prague to infiltrate evil crime lord Yorgi's (Marton Csokas, "Fellowship of the Ring") lair. Once inside, Xander meets Yelena (Asia Argento, daughter of the Italian horror maestro Dario Argento), a near-silent lover of Yorgi who is not all that she seems. While Xander's mission is simply to try to get close to the villain, he soon finds out about a chemical weapon attack Yorgi plans to unleash on the innocent civilians of Prague. In over his head, it takes all the swagger, charm, and "X-Games" maneuvers Xander can come up with to save the world.

"XXX" is so perpetually awful because, through pre-release press, advertising, and the film, it has positioned itself as a successor to the James Bond school of spy films. In the opening scene of "XXX" we see a clean-cut, tuxedoed spy (guess who he's supposed to be?) steal a computer device, then plunge the wrong way into a "modern" nightclub—complete with a fireball-belching industrial band, scantily clad and willing women, and of course, no cover charge. Once this old-school spy is in the club, he's promptly killed by the menacing new-school of bad guy. It's this kind of sloppy symbolism that established the disrespectful tone of "XXX" right away, and also promised a film filled with amusements that could reinvent the Bond aesthetic. Fat chance of that, as for the next 110 minutes, “XXX” brazenly rehashes every single Bond cliché, stunt, and performance. Like Wes Craven's insulting "Scream," "XXX" gets off on this type of ironic, post-modern screenwriting and direction, culminating in a film that doesn't reinvent the wheel as promised, but steals the wheel and tries to pass it off as its own. Evil mastermind bent on destroying the world? Mysterious, and mysteriously easy female lead? Quippy one-liners? Reliance on an overabundance of pyro? Exotic locales? Nerdy weapons expert? It's all here, only this time the filmmakers trick it out to make it more suited for the attention spans of today's teens. With the last Bond outing, 1999's "The World Is Not Enough," pulling in close to $350 million in worldwide box office, and another adventure ("Die Another Day") set for release this holiday, I don't feel audiences are as sick of Bond as "XXX" suggests.

Besides, director Rob Cohen should know better. The 53 year-old (!) director of this teenager's wet dream must be suffering through a mid-life crisis. With "XXX," and his last two hit films, "The Fast and the Furious" (also starring Diesel), and "The Skulls," Cohen is hell-bent on capturing the minds and hearts of kids more than three times younger than as he is. "XXX" isn't high art by any standards, but Cohen has previously helmed some rather effective and warm pictures ("Dragon: The Bruce Lee Story," "Daylight") that showcased a modicum of talent that if nurtured, could give birth to even better films. But with that sugary taste of teen-film success on his lips, Cohen strips away any intelligence or subtlety in "XXX," aiming it at an audience that, contrary to popular opinion, can actually handle something of substance.

For the teen boys watching "XXX," there are plenty of young, near-naked girls (referred to as "bitches" here). There are big, inane stunts that quickly dissolve into silliness (watch Xander do a Superman grab on his motorcycle as he shoots bad guys! Or skate down a hotel railing on a steel tray!). And if you get bored, Cohen has made sure a fireball goes off every five minutes, and the blaring soundtrack is dialed up to 11 just to keep the audience awake. "XXX" is the type of film that is usually pawned off on music video directors or the latest UCLA graduates. What Cohen believes he's accomplishing with his "trilogy of puberty" is beyond me.

And as fiercely resistant to acting his age as Cohen is, he lets a "Third Man" reference get by in "XXX." On its own? A nice mention. Placed in between Vin Diesel and Playstation references? Embarrassing. Carol Reed is spinning in his grave.

Oh, but what to say about Vin Diesel? Already a cultural icon after only a handful of films, Diesel, unfortunately, cannot back up this status with acting prowess. He's an indescribably bad actor, slugging his way though "XXX" with his 17-whiskey-sours vocal delivery and expressionless face. Diesel burns through "XXX" like he owns it, coasting on his alleged charms and muscular body (which Cohen apparently adores). Since almost every scene features him, "XXX" is intolerable to watch.

The supporting cast fares no better. Real actors like Samuel L. Jackson (whom I used to believe picked great projects for himself) are left with nothing to do. Asia Argento, making her big, fat Hollywood film debut after years of turning heads in Europe, fails to make any kind of impression here. She sure looks great, but between her own accent, playing off Diesel, and Cohen's purposeful neglect of tact, Argento is reduced to playing the "bad girl" of the picture. What a waste.

Equally wasteful is the villain performance by Marton Csokas. Liberally running right past his own acting boundaries, Csokes is a total ham in "XXX." Freely encouraged to eat the dialog alive by Cohen, Csokes is almost as tough to watch as Diesel.

Since there is such a wealth of God-awful acting, ideas, music, visuals, and general filmmaking, I'll put it simply: "XXX" has the glowing sheen of a rousing good time, but it lacks all the fundamentals that a grotesque action film like this needs to be successful. Doug Liman's "The Bourne Identity" was the spy film that Bond films should aspire to be, not this swill . "XXX" might come off as catnip, but I beg you to reconsider your options at the local multiplex.

Filmfodder Grade: F








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