Baby, Talk is Cheap

The Question:
"The next day, I worked on a little piece I was calling, 'Thirty six hours and still no response from Aidan.' The Indians had to wait up to six months for a response. It took me six months to get the message that I wanted to be with Aidan and now I couldn't wait another minute. Are all these improvements in communication really helping us communicate?"
  The Big Factor
[no big]

In matters of love, do actions really speak louder than words?

It looks like Carrie's been obsessing over Aidan since last week. At an African dance class she confesses to Charlotte that she's been calling his machine and hanging up, but don't tell anybody! What's the first thing Charlotte says the next time the girls are out together? Why is she doing this? Because she thinks she might want him back. She asks them how to do this? Miranda rightly advises that she needs to accept the fact that he might not wanna hear it. Carrie's willing to accept that. Yeah right. Samantha doesn't understand why she wants him back, granola is just not Carrie's style. Charlotte thinks he's great, he strips her floors and everything BUT the turquoise rings and tummy have got to go. Carrie says that the tummy is long gone. At the bar opening last week he looked, "disturbingly good." He looks good but that's not it, Carrie misses him. Miranda wants to know if she missed him before she saw him, good question. She claims to have missed him for months. Miranda suggests something safe, like email. Carrie's old-fashioned and prefers calling and hanging up. Samantha thinks she should get online just for the porn which prompts Charlotte to beg her to stop sending "that stuff." Samantha thinks it's hysterical. Carrie doesn't want to be pathetic enough to get online just to write to Aidan. Miranda suggests shopping online as well but nope, that's Carrie's cardio.

Samantha has a better idea. Just show up at his furniture store wearing fake, erect, rubber nipples and she pulls them out of her bag with a wet pop. Somebody sent them to her as a promotion. She says, "Nipples are huge right now. Open any magazine. It's not that cold. Those girls are either tweaking or wearing these." Miranda wants to see them in action and asks her to put them in but since Samantha already leads with her breasts, Carrie thinks it wouldn't be a good experiment. It's settled, Miranda's got on the perfect lowcut dress so she's the guinea pig. The girls cover her while she licks them and slaps them in place. Charlotte thinks they're obscene and orders her to walk. Miranda sashays down the bar and they work, guys are all over her. Samantha gets possessive of their power and wants her nipples back.

Next day, Miranda is at the park training for the Marathon. She uses a stealth pick up line on a guy that's stretching next to her. What's he doing in the ten minute mile group? All the cute guys are usually in the seven minute mile group. It works, he wants just the two of them to train during the week.

Charlotte guts and cauterizes her and Trey's apartment now that the omniscient Bunny has been dispatched. Trey loves what she's done. They go into the spare room just off the room where they sleep. They ask each other what they want to do with it and Trey surprisingly suggests a baby which turns into a sweet hug of mutual confirmation.

After shopping for wine with her nipples on, Samantha is home with an MBA she cruised in the process, Warren Dreyfus. He's barking on his cellphone when Samantha brings him a glass of wine and her nipples. He gets off the phone and mauls her. Samantha ever so the pro, turns her back and throws the nipples up into the air. Mission accomplished.

That night Carrie attempts to compose an email to Aidan. She rightly decides to delete the three or so paragraphs of rambling crap and type the truth, "I miss you." She's not happy with that so she types, "Do you miss me?" ACK! Stop. Just send the first sentence. Thankfully she deletes the second sentence and hits send almost having a stroke in the process. We all know that feeling now don't we? Complaint time. The set designers (or whoever makes these decisions) are brilliant enough to have Carrie working on a Mac but now that email is introduced, she's on AOHell. That really pisses me off. How can you be bold enough to expose a bazillion people to a Mac but afraid to show them a world without AOHell?

By now Samantha's ripping up the sheets with her MBA and after having a very happy orgasm, he climbs up to whisper, "Samantha does your gina wina want a wittle visit fwom my mister mister?" EWW EWWW EWWWWWWWWWWW EW! What, is he Elmer Fudd?! Baby talk. Gak. Everyone that I watched the show with went eewwww. As do Carrie and Charlotte when Samantha describes it to them out shopping the next day. Charlotte thinks that sometimes men use baby talk to avoid intimacy. Speak of the devil, Aidan hasn't returned her email and she sent it fourteen hours ago but who's counting. Suddenly Charlotte loses her shit when she sees baby clothes. The girls are confused until Charlotte finally tells them that she and Trey are going to try and have a baby. Carrie thinks they should wait since they just got back together. You can almost hear Charlotte ticking when she insults them by saying that she's the oldest woman she knows who hasn't had a baby. She corrects herself, she meant the oldest married woman who wants one. She swears she won't become one of those mothers who can only talk about diaper genies. Samantha asks Carrie what the hell a diaper genie is. Carrie has no idea and guesses that it's someone you hire to change the kid's diapers.

In the children's department Charlotte bumps into Trisha Watson, an old friend who's so glad to hear that she and Trey are back together. She's very vogue and has three children with one of them in tow. A sweet, beautiful, polite and well behaved little girl named Mary Elizabeth. The whole scene is Charlotte's current dream come true. She invites the woman and her husband to dinner but Trisha explains how impossible it is to find a sitter for three kids under eight during the week. She can't believe that she's thirty four with three kids. The camera zooms in on Charlotte who suddenly looks panicked.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, poor Trey. There is nothing sexual or intimate about the way Charlotte screws the shit out of Trey back at home later. She clutches his hand that's up for her to balance on while telling him that the Watsons and their kids are coming over for dinner on Tuesday. Trey's gonna need a chiropractor from all the bouncing and jerking Charlotte causes on his head and neck. All he can manage to say is his patented alrighty.

Carrie tries to call Aidan again and this time he answers. Why hasn't he responded to her email? He doesn't recognize her voice and asks who it is. She asks if he got her email. Her screen name (ack) is shoegal. He got it and deleted it because he didn't know who it was from. Very realistic use of the newbie and veteran online experience donchya think? Aidan wants to know what her email said. She says that it doesn't even matter. Carrie bites the bullet and asks if he'd like to go out with Steve and Miranda. He says yes and they jerk around uncomfortably until they hang up, both annoyed at the other in their own way.

Looks like Miranda bagged the running guy. They're at her place and mucking about in bed right after their run, sans shower when he starts to trail kisses down her back. The camera stays on Miranda until her face suddenly goes into shock and confusion.

At breakfast, Carrie asks Miranda if she received her email about the double date with Steve and Aidan. Yes she got it and no she's not going out on a date with Steve. Oh but it's not a date, Carrie claims, Miranda will be going as her airbag in case of impact and Steve will be going as Aidan's airbag. She's got it all worked out. Miranda wants her to make sure that Steve understands that. She doesn't want him to get the wrong idea since she's dating other guys. Charlotte asks if it's Marathon Man and yes it is. Samantha wants to know if he lived up to his nickname. Charlotte says yeah it was good but... he tossed her salad. Samantha wants her to be more specific. Was it the cheeks or... Miranda says it was more localized than that. Samantha reacts like Madam Curie over a petrie dish. Carrie says, "wait a minute, are we talking tukus-lingus?" Miranda is afraid so and it's weird right? Are they doing this now? Samantha says why not but Miranda wants to know about anyone else since Samantha tends to alter the bell curve. Carrie says no but then again, it almost happened one time but she thinks the guy lost his way. Then Carrie asks Charlotte who says that Trey likes to do it and the table goes dumb. She shrugs it off by saying, "We're married." Miranda considers herself sexually slow if even Charlotte is doing it. Samantha, still in her Madam Curie persona rubs her chin and states that something is definitely going on between men and the ass. Miranda agrees since the last few guys lately have been much more open in tending to it, ya know digitally. Carrie wants to know how the ass got on the menu. Miranda figures it's due to one loud mouth who guy did it to a woman who loved it and then told everyone, "women love this!" Miranda fears that she jerked away too quickly. Does this mean that she's out of the ass loop? She's too uptight to ask for it. Dr. Sam instructs her not to ask for it, just lean into it. No words necessary. But does Miranda have to reciprocate? Samantha drops her silverware and cries a resounding no. She would never do it back to them. Everyone agrees except for Charlotte which deaf, dumbs and blinds the table this time.

So the Watsons and their live baggage are over to the happy couple's newly decorated house for dinner. The kids are freakozoids and the mother and father snap at each other like the plant in Little Shop of Horrors. That night, Charlotte and Trey sleep as far away from each other as their bed will allow.

Double date time. Carrie and Charlotte on one side of the table, the boys on another. We enter the scene with Carrie telling a joke-like story. When she hits the punchline, everybody politely giggles but Aidan slaps his hand over her hand on the table. Steve and Aidan happen to have to go the bathroom at the same time. Perfect for Carrie to tell Miranda to leave and take Steve with her. Like right now! She wants time alone with Aidan, now. Miranda is a real good friend because she complies.

Carrie walks Aidan home to his front stairs since it's only four blocks from the restaurant. Aidan says that it was good to see her tonight. Subtle as ever, Carrie says that she thinks she wants to get back together. All Aidan can say is, "Oh fuck." Appropriate response I think. He was afraid she was gonna say something like that. He was willing to try the friendship thing but not the other. But, but, but he grabbed her hand back at the restaurant?! Oh that. He was just trying to make her comfortable since she was so nervous telling that story. Oh. She regroups, very quickly I might add, and says goodnight. As she steps away, he puts his arm around her waist and kisses her on the cheek, right up against her lips. She freezes and finally gets away.

The MINUTE she gets home she tries to call Miranda, no answer and then tries to send a desperate email. Her phone rings and it's Miranda. She was "I-M-ing" with Marathon Man. Okay, I'm gonna breathe right now. Sitting in front of Miranda is the new Apple Titanium. The show has the unmitigated AUDACITY to even IMPLY that AOHell is being used as an ISP on a Titanium... Ggrrrrrrrrrr. Ahem. Where were we. Marathon Man is coming over. Miranda wants to know what happened to her airbag. Steve tried to kiss her outside the restaurant. Imagine that, Aidan tried, well "miss-kissed" Carrie. Just as Carrie asks Miranda what that means, we hear an AOHell sound (ggrrrrr) indicating that Aidan has just popped up online. Carrie freaks and jumps out of her chair. She ducks down away from her laptop afraid that he might be able to actually see her. Miranda reassures her that he can't and to step away from the computer. That's it, Carrie knows that he's home and that he wants to see her. She's going over there. Miranda thinks she should pace herself. Send an email or something. NO! His words said no but his kiss said yes. Being the good lawyer that she is, Miranda states that that's the defense invoked by date rapists. Carrie knows he still feels it, hangs up and runs.

Carrie throws stones at Aidan's bedroom window from the sidewalk below. In her narration, she compares the difference between men and women when it comes to bold gestures. The former is considered gallant and romantic while the latter comes off as stalking or psycho. The lights switch on and Aidan comes shirtless to the window. Carrie frantically primps until he comes out the front door. Aidan wonders if she's been out here since he went upstairs. Nope, she went home and he's even more surprised that she came back. She's certain that there's still something between them. Aidan responds that he had a real nice time with her tonight but he just wants to leave it at that. Carrie asks to come up and talk for a bit. Nah, not a good idea. By now Carrie has closed the distance between them by two steps of the brownstone. Aidan up top at the door, Carrie low down on the steps. She asks him if he won't let her come because of what might happen. No, it's just not a good time. Carrie then attempts the classic "I'm-different-I've-changed" begging routine. And for emphasis, she dramatically throws her cigarettes out into the street. All bad habits are gone, it's a whole new thing, seriously, because she misses him and it's not because he looks so good even though he does and he should know that. She's been missing him fierce. She then goes for the "lying-in-bed-at- night-thinking-about-you" routine. Aidan finally loses it and screams "YOU BROKE MY HEART!" I immediately flashed back to them at Charlotte's wedding when Aidan said goodbye because he couldn't take it anymore. That scene goes down in history as the most real and most painful. But guess what our brave, begging heroine does? She runs away. The consensus between Patty and I was that if it were us, we'd probably beg more, break down and cry, anything, but not run away. The thought never even occurred to us.

Meanwhile, back at the day care center, Samantha suffers more of the baby-talk. While she's on top of him trying so hard not to look grossed out he mewls, "Samanfa, I wuv your titty witties!" ACK! She stops and tells him that he's a great fuck and these are her breasts and it's just sex and it's fine. He throws her off and locks himself in the bathroom. She tries to talk some sense into him through the door, but it all boils down to, "we're not finished!" Funny, she sounded like a Mother when she said that, so stern and strict. Then she changes tactics and gives it the old college try. She says, "I was very closey-wosey." Nope, not gonna do it. He comes out in his underwear and announces that he's leaving. She asks him not to pout, they were having such a nice time, it was only a suggestion. He puts on his pants and snaps his cellphone shut in her face. That's when Samantha "realized that she wore the nipples and attracted a big baby."

Charlotte and Trey haven't had sex since the Watsons brood was over for dinner. Trey comes home to find Charlotte in bed with an opened Tiffany's box holding the classic silver rattle. It was delivered today. Trey ordered it a week ago and completely forgot about it. The inscription reads, "We had each other and then we had you and then we had everything. Love Mommy and Daddy." Wow. They try to figure out if they still want children anymore after that blaring example of what might be, the other night. Trey remembers the Watsons before they had kids, they were so in love. But now they're just... Charlotte ends his sentence with, "parents." Trey figures that they'll start with one and see how they do. Besides... Carrie narrates, "And then Trey told the lie that all parents to be tell themselves to procreate." When I watched this episode with my Mom she said it before he did. "Our kids will be different." Thanks Ma.

Miranda managed to let Marathon Man do his ass business and enjoy it. Regardless of the advice Samantha gave her, she felt the need to do something in return. She offers him a massage. He flips over and no sooner does she start squeezing his back, his ass starts writhing in the air. Looks like he took Samantha's advice because this boy is leaning into it with a vengeance. Miranda screams that she doesn't wanna do that and he snaps that she shoulda thought of that before she started speaking into his ass.

Carrie lies restless in her bed. Plink. Plonk. Ploonk. The window? She leaps out of bed and standing on the sidewalk, Aidan follows her lead by throwing stones at her window. But, he has that old look in his eyes. The man is wide open and his heart is on fire and it's contagious. The following scene was filmed VERY Harlequin Romance but I don't care, I admit it, I loved it! Carrie runs to the door while Aidan runs up her stairs. When they meet she leaps into his arms and it's filmed in black silhouette. Sigh. Afterwards, they sit on the edge of her bed until he gets up and starts to get dressed. He asks her if she wants to do this to make up for the past, relieve her conscience, he's okay and mentally kicked her butt all over Manhattan. He's fine now. She says no. She loves him. There she said it. She stills loves him and wishes that she could be his girlfriend again. He kisses her head and needs to think about it and leaves.

The next morning, out of sheer embarrassment, Charlotte tears ass away from Marathon Man/Ass Guy during their run and pushes herself into the nine minute mile group. At home, Carrie checks her email and still has no response from Aidan. She leans back from her computer and mopes until Aidan calls her name from the sidewalk. She runs to the window and he says, "Okay, let's give it a try." She invites him upstairs but he promised his sweety dog, Pete, that he'd take him for a walk. Does she wanna go for a walk? Hell yes. She tells him not to move, shuts down her computer and runs to get dressed.

Patty Opinion: Called before the previews and we watched them together over the phone.

Samantha referring to her baby-talk talking lover: I finally had to sit on his face to shut him up.