Updated Whenever
About Us   Archive      
Home: TV: X-files Episode Guide 
Bad Blood

Every season the X-files writers treat themselves to a little comedy. First we had the classic "Jose Chung's 'From Outer Space," then there was "Syzygy" and "Small Potatoes" and now we've got another stellar episode in "Bad Blood."

"Bad Blood's" plot isn't all that important, but the story is (stick with me here). The show opens with Mulder pursuing a chunky red-headed kid through the backwoods of Texas. Chunk isn't the fastest greyhound in the pen and Mulder catches up with him easily. Instead of cuffing him, Mulder spins Chunk around, pins his arms and promptly deposits a two-foot wooden stake into the red-head's chest. Scully arrives just as Mulder has finished the deed and together they pry the kid's chubby mouth open. Inside we see a pair of really-pointy incisors and Mulder gives Scully the "See? I told you he was a vampire" look. But Scully reaches into that nasty little mouth and prys the teeth off -- revealing nothing more than a cheap halloween accessory. Mulder then utters the first Official X-Files Swear (sorta) and things really don't look all that good for the feds.

Back in D.C. Mulder tries to assemble a story before his official briefing with Skinner, but he's got more to worry about than losing his job and facing murder charges: relatives of Chunk (aka Ronny) are suing the government for $446 million. Cha-ching. In an effort to cover their collective butts, Mulder and Scully decide to get their stories straight. Scully starts:

In her version we see a hyper-kinetic Mulder flash pictures of exsanguinated cows while rushing Scully out the door and straight to the small town of Chaney, Tx. Once arrived, Mulder dallies around a funeral home while Scully practices her eye-rolling, but then the local sheriff walks in and Scully displays a rare moment of overt libido. In her version, the sheriff also appeared ready to "snap on the latex."

But the impending nookie is given the Heisman since Scully has to perform an autopsy and Mulder has to pursue a gut feeling regarding shoe laces. Scully works her way through the autopsy, flinging intestines with the grace of a starved rottweiler, and determines the bloodless tourist was drugged before having his oil drained. He also ate a pizza just before shuffling off this mortal coil, and this gets Scully's digestive juices flowing.

She retires to the Davy Crockett Motor Lodge (aka The Sam Huston Motor Court in Mulder's version) where she orders a pizza and finds a few seconds of solace through a fifty-cent ride on her bed's magic fingers. But Mulder busts in and demands that she perform another autopsy on a newly-discovered bloodless tourist, which prompts Scully to utter a line that will inevitably find it's way into sig files everywhere: "But I just put money in the magic fingers."

The ever-dutiful Scully returns to the den of death while her partner steals her magic finger time and eats her pizza. Suddenly she realizes that both stiffs were drugged and both had eaten pizza as their last supper. In typical X-files fashion, she puts it all together in a matter of milliseconds and rushes off to save Mulder from the Pizza of Death.

She busts down the door with the force of a howitzer, finds a portly, red-headed pizza delivery kid with glowing eyes standing over her incapacitated partner and fires a couple rounds directly at the Chunky Bandit. But somehow she misses and the kid blazes out the door, deep into the woods. Scully checks on Mulder, who emerges from his slumber by singing "Shaft,"which leads Scully to believe he's just fine -- so she pursues Chunk. Within seconds Mulder makes a full recovery, throws his trenhcoat on, fashions a wooden stake from the remains of a desk chair and races into the woods with the speed of Michael Johnson. And so end the Scully Chronicles.

Mulder's version follows much the same path in terms of pure plot, but there are a few noteworthy differences:

  • In describing the initial cow exsanguinations, Mulder portrays himself as a timid schoolboy, desperate for Ms. Scully's approval.
  • When the sheriff first enters the funeral home Mulder only notices his predominant buck teeth and remarkable resemblance to Gomer Pile.
  • His hunch regarding untied shoes stems from an obscure, over-arching fact about vampires: they're all obsessive compulsive.
  • In the midst of discovering the second dead tourist, Mulder is violently dragged through a parking lot by a disgruntled, run-away RV. He surrenders this information only when severely prodded by Scully.
  • Scully's eye-rolling and whining increase exponentially in any Mulder-relayed story.
  • Mulder must endure constant verbal abuse from his partner, even when he kindly asks her to perform another autopsy. "I do it all for you Mulder!"

But the story doesn't end here. Just before the agents are about to reveal their formal report to Skinner, they discover that the previously-dead Ronny escaped from the morgue after unsuccessfully gnawing the neck of the Medical Examiner. So it's back to Chaney they go.

The sheriff appears again, and Scully turns on her heartlight. In a rare moment of intuition, Mulder suggests that Scully stake out the cemetery with the sheriff while he checks on a suspicious RV camp. In the midst of intently watching the cemetery and sipping coffee, the buck-toothed law officer apologizes for Ronny's behavior. Scully suddenly gets groggy and the sheriff's eyes begin to glow with a dreamy phosphorescence. Her nookie is foiled yet again.

Mulder finds Ronny holed up in a coffin at the RV park, and just as he's about to arrest the fat little bastard, the residents of the camp rise up, get their eyes-a-glowin' and incapacitate Mulder.

The next morning, Scully finds Mulder and together they discover that the entire town has cleared out. Fortunately they were friendly vampires and had no intention of harming the kind-hearted FBI agents.

"Bad Blood" is a prime example of why this is the most original show on television.

Note: This review originally appeared at It's reprinted here for archival purposes.

2000, All Rights Reserved. Don't steal our stuff.